Steroids & Loss; a year gone by..

A year ago my best friend left this city to go back to where she lived before. Heart of hearts, I had always known that this day would come. Fortunately, I had time to process her impending departure and we made the best of her last weeks / months here. 

I had promised myself that I would not let her see me in tears before she left. She needed to know that I would be okay and she would be okay. I almost managed. The tears were there, but so was the smile, the faith and the love. Then she was gone.. 

As all this was unfolding, I didn’t pay much attention to the fact that I was unwell and getting worse by the day. It was only after she left, that I acknowledged I needed medical intervention. 

A visit to one doctor turned into 2 weeks of tests, investigations and multiple consultations before I was given a diagnosis. 

Talk about a vulnerable time in my life. The one person who I needed to hold me up, was the one who left. She felt as miserable about it, I know. Those weeks were just weird - my symptoms were yet to subside, the medication was playing havoc with my system and my heart was hurting. 

I will admit, I spent a lot of time sobbing.. 

The medication kicked in and I felt better, but soon I realised that the side effects were going to do their own damage. I thought I was mentally ready for it, but nothing prepared for the extent of it. I had no idea what was happening to me and how to stop. The loss of control was more than I could handle.

Hindsight being what it is, I now know that it wasn’t just the side effects of the medication that was taking its toll. Though it took a long time, I eventually realised what I was going though was the loss of my friend.

The last time I felt this was when my father passed. Suddenly I was feeling it again and twice for both of them. I know it’s not rational, he was gone for good, she was on the other side of a phone call - video if I wanted to see her. But try telling your inner psyche that!

It took time, but little by little I have come to terms with her absence. Doesn’t mean I like it, but I am happy for her, so that helps. I also accept that there will always be this little emptiness in my heart and my life. 

The healing hasn’t begun yet, but it’s close. I know it will happen. Maybe, in my mind I was waiting for today - a year of her leaving. A small part of me hoped she would come back. The sensible part of me knows she isn’t. 

So much changed in this year. Even I did! Though my heart remains the same, it is just up to those who care to look.