Steroids & Loss; a year gone by..

A year ago my best friend left this city to go back to where she lived before. Heart of hearts, I had always known that this day would come. Fortunately, I had time to process her impending departure and we made the best of her last weeks / months here. 

I had promised myself that I would not let her see me in tears before she left. She needed to know that I would be okay and she would be okay. I almost managed. The tears were there, but so was the smile, the faith and the love. Then she was gone.. 

As all this was unfolding, I didn’t pay much attention to the fact that I was unwell and getting worse by the day. It was only after she left, that I acknowledged I needed medical intervention. 

A visit to one doctor turned into 2 weeks of tests, investigations and multiple consultations before I was given a diagnosis. 

Talk about a vulnerable time in my life. The one person who I needed to hold me up, was the one who left. She felt as miserable about it, I know. Those weeks were just weird - my symptoms were yet to subside, the medication was playing havoc with my system and my heart was hurting. 

I will admit, I spent a lot of time sobbing.. 

The medication kicked in and I felt better, but soon I realised that the side effects were going to do their own damage. I thought I was mentally ready for it, but nothing prepared for the extent of it. I had no idea what was happening to me and how to stop. The loss of control was more than I could handle.

Hindsight being what it is, I now know that it wasn’t just the side effects of the medication that was taking its toll. Though it took a long time, I eventually realised what I was going though was the loss of my friend.

The last time I felt this was when my father passed. Suddenly I was feeling it again and twice for both of them. I know it’s not rational, he was gone for good, she was on the other side of a phone call - video if I wanted to see her. But try telling your inner psyche that!

It took time, but little by little I have come to terms with her absence. Doesn’t mean I like it, but I am happy for her, so that helps. I also accept that there will always be this little emptiness in my heart and my life. 

The healing hasn’t begun yet, but it’s close. I know it will happen. Maybe, in my mind I was waiting for today - a year of her leaving. A small part of me hoped she would come back. The sensible part of me knows she isn’t. 

So much changed in this year. Even I did! Though my heart remains the same, it is just up to those who care to look.

Of communities, friends and family..

Inspite of coming from large extended families, my husband and I are pretty nuclear, as were my parents and his before us - partly because of geography and partly by choice. 

It’s an ideal situation for the kind of people we are; since we firmly believe that relationships are made not inherited. 

We have always created a familial situation with close friends. Not as substitutes, but as a unit of their own. It really is a wonderful thing when you can find like minded people to enjoy different parts of life with. 

We are both very close with some of our oldest childhood friends - people we have known since we were as young as five. And, even now, at this age, we are still making friends and building ties. 

It’s come to such a lovely point where whatever the occasion, we will always find someone to share it with. 

The only thing that we have missed out on over the years (and it’s not something we realised till we had it) was a sense of community. I am referring to the type that is associated with proximity. 

In the last year or so, this crept up on us. It was totally unexpected and mildly foreign. How did this happen? I would like to think it’s a recognition of kinship amongst a bunch of people who are all away from their families and are grateful to have each other to fill the void. 

Nuclears like us are the odd entry to the collective, but we have adopted and been adopted with the same gusto. Now that we have this small community, I would hate to lose it. 

Family, friends, communities.. they are all made of the same elements - mutual affection, respect and the ability to rejoice in each other’s company.

To all those who are part of this equation in our life, we give you thanks.. 

20 years..

I can’t believe it has been 20 years since I wrote and posted my first blog post (even though it was just a quick line). 

Dad had been trying to get me to do it for some time before I finally relented and took a blind plunge. He always did see a lot more potential in me than I ever allowed myself to imagine.

For both reading and writing, dad used the same technique of convincing / haranguing / cajoling / tricking / begging me to start until I finally did. And in both cases, I never looked back. 

Like all kids, I resisted what my parents tried to get me to do, and in retrospect I realise that the stuff I resisted the most, turned out to be my biggest strengths. 

I had always hoped that I would write every day if I could but that never happened. My blog is pretty slim by that respect. Fortunately, more mediums opened up and today I find, I am almost at the level of writing  everyday on a variety of things. 

I wonder what would happen if I was to compile all the stuff I have ever written into one huge collective. I know one person who has been trying to get me on this path and I have been resisting. Am I doing what I did with dad? What if I am? I have no idea. 

All I know is, I love writing and the more I do it, the more pleasure it gives me. 

So, as a gift to myself, I will try and revive this blog and see if it works and where it goes.. 

HAPPY TWENTY TO ME!

PS: Pop.. stop laughing.. :)

PPS: Click here to read my first blog post