Mercurial, Unhinged and Exhausted

I have always known I have control issues and underlying anxiety. 

The first has been the butt of many a joke because it translates most often into compulsive behaviour, especially in the way I arrange my spaces. 

The latter has been understood by some poor souls who have it too, sympathised with by people who care and scoffed at by the fortunate who have never felt it the way I do. 

I am also an optimistic fool and that part of me imagined that with maturity, I would be able to deal with these issues better. But, of course, it had to work in the complete opposite manner and now I find myself worse of then I used to be. 

What I had forgotten to factor in is, with maturity comes peri/menopause and the backlash of changing hormones that accompany it. 

No one told me that growing older meant fighting with myself!

I think I have reached a stage when I am mercurial at best, unhinged at worst - and I am exhausted. 

It get’s worse - until the last year or so, it was only about my mind, now my body has also decided to join the never ending roller coaster. 

I have the tools to deal with most of it on the average day, and deal I do, but there are just sometimes when it gets too much. 

I just have to find a way to protect myself before I completely forget who I am / was / want to be. 

The first few steps ahead will be to first take control of my time and health and second to avoid all interactions that require arguments or stress. 

If you think I sound like an ostrich, you are right. Because I intend to show everyone and everything the bird (pun fully intended) and get on with what I need to do for me. 

If I don’t matter to me, I won’t matter to anyone!

Thank you for reading my rant of the day. If, you made it till here, I can tell you I am not usually so prickly (at least in my writing) and there is some fun stuff on this page. Have a look around if you are so inclined. 

Steroids & Loss; a year gone by..

A year ago my best friend left this city to go back to where she lived before. Heart of hearts, I had always known that this day would come. Fortunately, I had time to process her impending departure and we made the best of her last weeks / months here. 

I had promised myself that I would not let her see me in tears before she left. She needed to know that I would be okay and she would be okay. I almost managed. The tears were there, but so was the smile, the faith and the love. Then she was gone.. 

As all this was unfolding, I didn’t pay much attention to the fact that I was unwell and getting worse by the day. It was only after she left, that I acknowledged I needed medical intervention. 

A visit to one doctor turned into 2 weeks of tests, investigations and multiple consultations before I was given a diagnosis. 

Talk about a vulnerable time in my life. The one person who I needed to hold me up, was the one who left. She felt as miserable about it, I know. Those weeks were just weird - my symptoms were yet to subside, the medication was playing havoc with my system and my heart was hurting. 

I will admit, I spent a lot of time sobbing.. 

The medication kicked in and I felt better, but soon I realised that the side effects were going to do their own damage. I thought I was mentally ready for it, but nothing prepared for the extent of it. I had no idea what was happening to me and how to stop. The loss of control was more than I could handle.

Hindsight being what it is, I now know that it wasn’t just the side effects of the medication that was taking its toll. Though it took a long time, I eventually realised what I was going though was the loss of my friend.

The last time I felt this was when my father passed. Suddenly I was feeling it again and twice for both of them. I know it’s not rational, he was gone for good, she was on the other side of a phone call - video if I wanted to see her. But try telling your inner psyche that!

It took time, but little by little I have come to terms with her absence. Doesn’t mean I like it, but I am happy for her, so that helps. I also accept that there will always be this little emptiness in my heart and my life. 

The healing hasn’t begun yet, but it’s close. I know it will happen. Maybe, in my mind I was waiting for today - a year of her leaving. A small part of me hoped she would come back. The sensible part of me knows she isn’t. 

So much changed in this year. Even I did! Though my heart remains the same, it is just up to those who care to look.

Of communities, friends and family..

Inspite of coming from large extended families, my husband and I are pretty nuclear, as were my parents and his before us - partly because of geography and partly by choice. 

It’s an ideal situation for the kind of people we are; since we firmly believe that relationships are made not inherited. 

We have always created a familial situation with close friends. Not as substitutes, but as a unit of their own. It really is a wonderful thing when you can find like minded people to enjoy different parts of life with. 

We are both very close with some of our oldest childhood friends - people we have known since we were as young as five. And, even now, at this age, we are still making friends and building ties. 

It’s come to such a lovely point where whatever the occasion, we will always find someone to share it with. 

The only thing that we have missed out on over the years (and it’s not something we realised till we had it) was a sense of community. I am referring to the type that is associated with proximity. 

In the last year or so, this crept up on us. It was totally unexpected and mildly foreign. How did this happen? I would like to think it’s a recognition of kinship amongst a bunch of people who are all away from their families and are grateful to have each other to fill the void. 

Nuclears like us are the odd entry to the collective, but we have adopted and been adopted with the same gusto. Now that we have this small community, I would hate to lose it. 

Family, friends, communities.. they are all made of the same elements - mutual affection, respect and the ability to rejoice in each other’s company.

To all those who are part of this equation in our life, we give you thanks.. 

20 years..

I can’t believe it has been 20 years since I wrote and posted my first blog post (even though it was just a quick line). 

Dad had been trying to get me to do it for some time before I finally relented and took a blind plunge. He always did see a lot more potential in me than I ever allowed myself to imagine.

For both reading and writing, dad used the same technique of convincing / haranguing / cajoling / tricking / begging me to start until I finally did. And in both cases, I never looked back. 

Like all kids, I resisted what my parents tried to get me to do, and in retrospect I realise that the stuff I resisted the most, turned out to be my biggest strengths. 

I had always hoped that I would write every day if I could but that never happened. My blog is pretty slim by that respect. Fortunately, more mediums opened up and today I find, I am almost at the level of writing  everyday on a variety of things. 

I wonder what would happen if I was to compile all the stuff I have ever written into one huge collective. I know one person who has been trying to get me on this path and I have been resisting. Am I doing what I did with dad? What if I am? I have no idea. 

All I know is, I love writing and the more I do it, the more pleasure it gives me. 

So, as a gift to myself, I will try and revive this blog and see if it works and where it goes.. 

HAPPY TWENTY TO ME!

PS: Pop.. stop laughing.. :)

PPS: Click here to read my first blog post

Forever learning, Kxx

In 2023, I came across information that proved to be a gold mine. A friend, who has since become even more dear to me, was conducting courses in creative writing. This is someone who I admire for her language, humour, conversations, compassion and the most amazing way her mind works.. 

[read more at imewrites..]

  

All I Need is Within Me

For years;
I looked for answers, I thought my questions were wrong. 
I needed motivation, I thought my people were too busy. 
I yearned for validation, I thought no one really cared.

I sought strength, I felt I was weak.
I wandered everywhere, until I was lost. 
Finally, I turned within, to start afresh.
And there I found it all!

An Olfactory Memory

Nostalgia brings with it this strong sense of yearning, like a chasm that is open deep within your being. It’s a space that cannot be filled by anything. Try recreating a moment with the same elements and you will find that it doesn’t replace what you are missing. 

There is such uniqueness in the way one remembers. 

[read more at imewrites..]

  

A Spool of Thread

There was once a spool of thread,
Made from shades of pink and purple.
He was a happy fellow,
Spreading joy with every unwind.
He shared himself with some buttons, 
Becoming best friends with them.
The kind that hold you close all your life.
Part of him became some beautiful flowers
As embellishment on a graceful white dress.
And dots on lovely linen napkins.
As time went by, he naturally thinned,
Losing bulk but not the shine.


Till one day, the end was close.
He thought back and smiled
He remembered all the beauty he became.
Finally, when his tail jumped free, he felt only joy. 

The Heart

A heart doesn’t break; not easily anyway. 
Love grows it and trust keeps it. 
When betrayed, it adapts to accept.
Painful as it maybe. 

But it doesn’t shrink
It just folds it all up
And stores it away.
Making space for love anew.

-- -- -- -- -- -- 

This poem is inspired by and dedicated to someone who lives in my heart. I want it to remind her that the trials she faces today will only make her stronger and teach her to love even more than she does today (if that is even possible).

A Poem to a Letter

This is an ode to you; a letter.

Whether you emerge from ink on paper,
Or as words on a screen. 
You will cease to be a figment.

[read more at imewrites..]