inmyeye

Fullscap to Character limits

2011-06-17T17:11:00.002+05:30

Here’s a journey that started more years ago than I would care to admit. As students, the English language was a subject we had to learn in school. How do you turn something so vast and evolving as a language into a subject is something I have yet to understand. I have spoken, read and written this language from the time I can remember and I still find that I haven’t explored even half of it.

Besides understanding the nuances of the language and comprehending stories or poems, there was a certain amount of creativity encouraged within this subject. I remember being made to write essays about random stuff. It was a terrible bore when we were younger, but the subjects got more interesting when we grew older. It was very satisfying to be able to express oneself in an otherwise ‘memorize-and-reproduce’ system of learning. Unfortunately there wasn’t too much scope to share these musings with anyone other than the teacher.

The only part I don’t miss is the physical agony of actually writing pages and pages of stuff. The longer the text, the better you scored, but too many mistakes or cancelled words or bad handwriting and you lost marks or earned a telling off from the teacher.

Many many years later I found myself contemplating a new phenomenon of writing called blogs or web logs. With my fingers poised over a keyboard, I let my imagination fly, I looked around and picked up random stuff from everyday life and found I had a lot to say about them. No one dictated the subject or the length. It was refreshing to share what I really wanted to share and not what I was told to. Mistakes and handwriting issues became a thing of the past. Kudos to word processors and spell check!

Blogs became the expressive medium of the hour (and that’s how long it lasted; but I am going ahead of myself). I shared my views, my good days and my bad days with a few readers and it was wonderful when they empathized and lived my moments with me. Something that was missing from my childhood was now possible. It was a very freeing experience.

Before I knew it, I find myself here today, expressing myself within a limit of 420 characters. Just a few words and I can share everything about my life with the hundreds that are connected to me. I can tell them what I am feeling, what I am doing, where I am going, who I met, what I anticipate and anything else I can think of.

Paper or memory is no longer a limitation. I can update my friends list on what I am experiencing every few moments if I want to. And in a short while of sharing anything, someone somewhere has read what I have said, has commented on it and has given me the instant gratification I seek. Why else would anyone of us share anything on such a public medium?

Interestingly enough.. it works, sadly enough.. it works.

Gone are the days of multiple fullscap pages filled with descriptive writing – introduction, body, conclusion. Today it’s all about short forms and quick share to quicker reactions. Is this the end of writing as we knew it before computers and smart phones or is it the beginning of a whole new way of expression.

Ek tha raja, ek thi rani

Khatam ho gayi kahani

Don’t get me wrong. I love it; how else would I know what my friends are up to. Not everyone has the time or the inclination to write volumes about their lives, especially not when a few words can do the trick. Those who enjoy it, still write and there are takers. I am one of them… are you a taker?

A Precious Conversation

2011-03-17T21:38:00.001+05:30

A: I'm very stressed, I need a drink
V: Of course baby, I'll make it for you
A smiles
V: How much ice do you want?
A: As many cubes as you want to give me
V: Ok I'll give you two
A: Nooo, give me four

Sent from my BlackBerry®

http://inmyeye6.blogspot.com/

So it starts here

2011-03-17T13:21:00.001+05:30

So many times I have wondered, what was it that made me write? I never saw myself as a writer, yet like my father, I too had this little nagging bit inside me that said I should write and that I would be good at it.

It started with poetry many years ago. When I read those poems now, I can’t help but cringe. They sound so lame and childish. But then I try and remind myself, I was 13! The poems evolved as I grew older and some of the last few still make me feel very good.

At some stage blogs stepped in and thanks to being pushed by dad and a friend, I experimented with this new medium. To my surprise people started reading my blog and actually enjoyed what I wrote. Then came the days of DSS, the best bunch of writers I ever came across. I was too scared to share my stuff with them, they were all so good. But the anonymity helped. They didn’t know who I was and I didn’t know them. No danger of failure there.

Wouldn’t you know it, they liked my stuff and the appreciation I got from them was my aphrodisiac. I kept writing; it was wonderful. But like all good things, this also came to an end. I don’t know how it happened, but it did. And once I stopped, I just couldn’t write again.

What changed? Where did the motivation go? What was the motivation to start with?

Was I writing for myself or playing to the audience? Initially I thought it must be the latter and now that the forum to share my writing was gone, there was no point. But then why did I feel so bad, why did I miss it so much?

I realised that while sharing my thoughts was great fun, I wasn’t doing it for anyone but myself. Every old post of mine brings back those days to me. I remember so much more about those times; what I was doing, the things I felt, what life was like for me. It was my way of chronicling my life.

Suddenly I feel so much easier about writing again. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not. It doesn’t matter if it’s been said before or not. It doesn’t matter if it makes a point or not. It doesn’t matter if anyone enjoys it or not.

All that matters is that I do it!

It might take me a while to get a good writing style back, but I’m ok if its not perfect. I am sure I will evolve again and I am sure I will have my readers again.

So it starts here, with this post.

Cheers all!

Some Photoshop Trials

2011-03-16T18:25:00.001+05:30

The original picture

After PhotoShop

Happy Birthday Son!

2011-01-02T18:58:00.001+05:30

Sent from my BlackBerry®

http://inmyeye6.blogspot.com/

My Baby

2010-12-12T22:18:00.001+05:30

Sent from my BlackBerry®

http://inmyeye6.blogspot.com/

A Good (Winter) Morning

2010-12-02T10:02:00.001+05:30

Sent from my BlackBerry®

http://inmyeye6.blogspot.com/

Saturday Bath Time

2010-02-27T11:12:00.000+05:30

Sent from my BlackBerry®

The greatest addiction of all times!

2010-02-08T18:00:00.002+05:30

It’s called a ‘lifestyle’! Yes the biggest and most dangerous addiction possible is your lifestyle. Now this may not be the case for everyone out there, God knows I have seen loads of people who make this addiction work for them. But for most people it is very dangerous.

What does a lifestyle mean? How would you define it? Is it the food you eat or the physical regime you follow or the people you hang out with or the stuff that you do? It’s all of that and more.

A lifestyle is physical, it’s emotional, it’s mental, it’s spiritual and it’s economical. It is what defines you! You are your lifestyle!

Most people will tell you that they would like to make some changes to their current lives. So why can’t they do it? Because; as human beings we are prone to habits. We make the smallest thing a habit and then an addiction till it’s so much a part of us that breaking out of it is sometimes not even visible; leave alone possible.

When I think of all the people I know or interact with, I realize that there are precious few who are happy and content, the rest of them are sadly missing something in their lives.

Life is too short to waste on misery and discontent. If things are not the way you like, try and change them, if they can’t change, either accept them with grace or move on! How can we waste our time doing otherwise?

It’s about redefining who you are, what you want from life and where you want to go with it. Knowing what you don’t want is as important. How else would you avoid the sublime and the ridiculous?

I think everyone can benefit from a lifestyle change; some more than others. Accepting this fact is the beginning. Just sit back and think about the larger picture. Dream, fantasize, and put yourself in an imaginary world. A world where there are no holds barred. It’s a good place to go every now and then.

Usually when you do this, you will find that you see yourself in a very different set of circumstances as compared to your real life. You will look different, speak different and do different.

Snap back to reality and maybe this little fantasy trip has given you some insight into where you want to take your lifestyle. Is it really impossible to get there? I don’t think so. All it takes is small changes and a few goals at a time.

Does this mean you have to change who you are? Absolutely not! In fact it means go find your true self. The ultimate form of detox.

Try it, it’s working for me, maybe it will work for you!

Memories, music and magic!

2010-01-23T16:41:00.006+05:30

Shraddha Hattangady Mehta and Ekta Hattangady; 2 sisters who I love, made magic come alive last night. Here’s how:

They lost their mother a few years ago when they were still too young to have to face such a harsh reality. What was worse is that their mom had a disease that took her slowly and painfully in front of their innocent eyes; forever changing them. But they are such strong and beautiful girls that they made it through with grace that would make their mother proud.

Ekta Hattangady announcing 'The Caregivers' Foundation

Ekta; the younger of the two found her calling from this experience and has started “The Caregiver’s Foundation” (http://careforcarers.wordpress.com/). She aims to create a support system to help caregivers of the ill. Having recently being in a similar position myself (and that is a blog for another day); I am completely in awe of her concept.

Of course someone who is ill requires help and support and understanding. But so do those who look after them. They need a place to vent, they need a place to cry and laugh. They need understanding and patience too. More than anything else, they need a lot of love.

Shraddha Hattangady Mehta singing a tribute to her mother

Shraddha; who is one of the best singers I have ever heard; all but stopped singing after losing her mother. I am so glad that once her daughter was born, Shraddha rediscovered the joy of music. The world was a poorer place without her voice.

As a memorial and tribute to her mother; Shraddha organized a classical vocal recital by her Guru; Smt. Ashwini Bhide Deshpande. It was an evening of pure enchantment.

To our pleasure the evening started with a performance by Shraddha herself. I have never heard her sing anywhere but in the privacy of our houses and I was delighted. Oh she is so good!

Following this was a mesmerizing performance by Smt. Deshpande. Her voice is outstanding. Her melody captivates and her own pleasure takes you in to a world of magic. I am not really a fan of vocal classical music, but after last night I am a changed person. How blessed we are to get the chance to experience such a beautiful evening.

The music brought back to life the people we have lost. It brought back memories of happy times shared and blessings left behind.

This event was a wonderful way to start the journey that will be “The Caregiver’s Foundation” and an even better way to honour Zarana Aunty’s life and memory.

Thank you Shraddha and Ekta for sharing your memories, your magic and your music with us!

Sleepy Saturday!

2010-01-23T12:17:00.000+05:30

Sent from my BlackBerry®

No way I was going to let a year go by...

2010-01-22T14:09:00.000+05:30

Sent from my BlackBerry®

The Perfect Sock

2009-01-24T09:15:00.000+05:30

This may have been a “vague-half-asleep-midnight” thought, but I haven’t been able to forget it. Is there anything like the perfect sock?

Everything else that we wear from our clothes to our privates, from shoes to jewellery, we always try it on, see it fits well and can compare that there is a difference between the fit of one versus the other. But what of socks?

Think about all the socks you have. Can you pull out a single pair and say that this is the perfect one; and there is no other sock that fits just as right?

I have no foot fetish, but even I know that my toes are of a different size and that I have a heel. It seems that many sock makers don’t seem to agree. They seem to think that all my toes are the same length and that a heel is just an inconvenience. Now that may be so for Achilles but I happen to like my heel and I like my sock to hold it well.

Then there is the fabric. I mean come on, cotton please. I live in a place where many people ask you to remove your shoes at the door. But no one seems to realise that there are those who prefer wearing polyester (ugh) and the experience of sweaty polyester clad bare feet is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. It’s gotten to the extent that the more sensible people now ask people to please leave their shoes on before coming in.

Next is the elasticity of the sock. How can you make a good sock with elastic, I ask you? Lycra is the way to go. It stretches just right so that you don’t have to work up a sweat getting into your socks and then actually comes back to being fitted so it doesn’t sag in and around your shoes. And when you wash them, they actually carry on being the same shape. Nice!

Isn’t it strange, to know these things about socks and to still pick them up as and when they are needed and from the first convenient location. And yet when we want anything else, we will hunt all the stores in town to find the perfect fit, feel and look. If we don’t find what we are looking for, we don’t settle for what we get. We wait and keep looking.

I think for the sheer experiment of it (and the fun it will be), I am going to go sock hunting and shall ask to try on each pair, until I find the perfect one. Will I find my perfect sock?

Happy Happy!

2009-01-02T15:35:00.000+05:30

That’s what I am and what I wish for everyone around me!

The past year for me was one of the best of my lives. I got married to the one I love. We made a lovely house together, got a dog and made a life for ourselves. A life that we have been dreaming about for as long as 15 years. A life we have fought all the odds for and come out stronger than we ever were. It’s so amazing that I have to pinch myself to remember that I am awake!

Unfortunately this year also saw me through some really heartbreaking disappointments. I have emotionally lost a lot that I held precious. I don’t know if I will ever get it back again. It just goes to prove there is no such thing as absolute relationships. I am trying not to hold it in my heart, but it is difficult at times. All I can do is concentrate on all the good, and just leave no space for this unhappiness in my life.

Doing this is easy. How can it not be? The sheer love and warmth in my home is enough for me to leave the troubles at the door step. Ours is a happy home. And we do our best to make it happier by the day. It’s also wonderful to know how many people are happy for us and how they seem to be enveloping our lives with their love. It’s so real, you can almost touch it.

And now I enter a new phase! 2009 is going to be an interesting year. I wonder if the problems I face will work themselves out. I wonder how I will ride this global recession and still do well at work. I wonder how to make an even better life for me and my husband. I wonder if I will finally be able to make my self a healthier person. I wonder!!!

I wonder if I will be able to write poetry again or will it only be prose. I wonder if Ferrari will win again. I wonder if I will learn to cook Indian and Chinese food. I wonder if I will do business in Curacao. I wonder if JJ will enjoy yoga with me.I wonder if I will have a dream holiday this year. I wonder how may nieces and nephews will be born. I really wonder!!!

Oh it’s such a great feeling to know that there is so much waiting for me! I am happy it’s 2009.

Here’s wishing all of you the same enthusiasm I feel. Have a wonderful year ahead!

A Scarlet Fin(ish)

2007-03-19T13:19:00.000+05:30

It is that time of the year once again. The time to watch 22 cars charge around at mind numbing speeds to compete for the Formula 1 world championship.

There are a lot of changes this year – the teams have changed, the drivers have changed, the liveries have changed and most importantly the world’s best driver is not racing. Michael Schumacher retired after the 2006 season and I am sure millions over the world must have felt the same heart break as I did when he announced his decision. Formula 1 will never be the same again.

Then came the official announcement that the Fin - Kimi Raikkonen will be taking Schumacher’s place. I can’t think of anyone who would have made a better choice. And the fact that Kimi is drop dead gorgeous is beside the point; he is a fantastic driver!

Sunday’s race started bright and early (at least for me here in India) and to see the Ferrari standing there at the P1 spot was such a rush. The five red lights illuminated and went off to mark the start of what was to be a fantastic race. Kimi dominated it from beginning to end and when he took the scarlet car across the checkered flag, Ferrari fans across the world were ecstatic – me included.

It was a thrill to hear the Finnish national anthem ring out just before the familiar Italian anthem. The Ice Man smiled and won a million hearts.

I hope this is an indication of what this year has in store for us. Here’s to many more scarlet fin(ishes)!!!

Source: www.formula1.com

A belated greeting

2006-04-06T18:52:00.000+05:30

I should have posted this entry a long time ago, but couldn’t. So here it is!

On the 15th of January this year our group, affectionately called ‘kutumb’ (family in Guajrati), welcomed it’s newest member. Viral and Vaishali’s new born son – Agastya.

Viral was the first of our group to get married and bring his wife into our lives. And they in turn have brought the first member of the kutumb’s second generation to us.

Since Viral is like a brother to me, I consider Vaishali to be a sister–in–law and their son my nephew. And as any proud aunt, I was thrilled when I first saw him on the day he was born. I can’t begin to describe the joy I felt to see that beautiful little face, so pink and so tiny (this is him when he was 5 hours old).

As all the friends stared at him, we couldn’t resist painting a picture of what he would be like when he grew up. What it would be like for us to see him go through the stages of his life that we have been through. We hoped that he would find friends like we all are. People he would spend a life time with.

I bet he is going to be spoiled rotten by the whole kutumb and we are going to enjoy every moment of it.

"Welcome to our world Agastya! We promise to make it as wonderful for you as we can."

A long awaited lunch

2006-04-04T14:37:00.000+05:30

Some plans are made and never followed through. My cousin sisters and I have been promising to have lunch together for years now and it has never happened.

Recently, at a common cousin’s wedding, we once again made plans. But this time it seemed like it would work. And work it did.

The next day 6 of us got together for lunch. Finally! I rank this as one of the most enjoyable family related gatherings I have ever been to.

L - R: Ami, Amrita (ben), Priya, Sonali, Monisha & Me at Mocha

We managed to catch up on what we are all doing, how we got there. We talked about husbands / fiancés, children, our family, work and heaven knows what else. We gossiped and we laughed. We teased each other and we stood up for each other. Most importantly we bonded.

I found myself mentally distancing myself from the conversation and observing the 6 of us, the differences and the similarities. The bantering and the silences; the ease and comfort we shared. No one was sitting in judgment, no pretences were needed. It was an unburdened acceptance of each other.

I think the key ingredient that day was we didn’t meet as sisters as much as we met as friends. When we parted, we were both!

The gathering ended too soon for my liking and sadly we are all back to our lives. 2 of them are in another city, 1 in another country. It will take a long time before all of us are in the same town again. But I’m sure we will meet if and when that happens. And will probably take up from where we left off this time.

I think they will all agree with me when I say that I am really looking forward to that day!

This generation's epic

2006-04-01T14:32:00.000+05:30

I come from a generation that survived on the antics of Suppandi, Shikari Shambu, Kalia the Crow and of course Tantri the Mantri. These guys are the much loved characters from the Tinkle Comic series that would be delivered every fortnight to my house.

Along with this I used to get another comic called the Amar Chitra Katha. Not as popular as Tinkle, ACK was a far more enriching experience. Its stories were about mythology and history; they introduced children to great men and women who have had such a vast impact on our lives. They told folk tales and other such stories. But in my opinion the best thing they did was publish the Mahabharat. True, it was a highly abridged version (probably 10% of the real thing), but in comic form it was easy to read.

Thanks to this, as a child I had the pleasure of first reading the Mahabharat; the greatest narration ever written. I don’t know too many people who have read even this abridged version. I find this sad, because this epic holds within it’s words lessons and truths of life that no philosopher could teach. It speaks of dharma – not religion but the way of life.

I remained fascinated with it all my life. As I grew older Doordarshan started showing the Ramayan on TV. Sadly I didn’t follow it. But when they started showing the Mahabharat, you couldn’t pry me away from the TV for anything.

Then a few months ago my father introduced me to a writer (Ashok Banker) who has re-written the Ramayan. I am finally getting a chance to know the story of a human, a prince, a son, a brother, a husband who is now, many millennia later, considered a God.

What’s wonderful is that it is not a one-sided perspective. It is un-biased and refreshing. The language is simple yet eloquent and the flow is smooth.

Dad read the first book and promptly went out and bought the remaining 3 available. When I got my hands on them, I went through all four in a matter of 8 days. Book 5 is finally available in India and I have been reading it the last few days. I just finished it actually! Now the wait for book 6! Part of me wishes I had waited so that I could have read them all together back to back as a whole.

I have a few friends who share my love for reading. So it is natural when they ask me “what you reading?” Suffice to say, most of them were surprised when I mentioned the Ramayan. In spite of being so impressed with the books I didn’t recommend these books to anybody. I frankly never imagined that these friends, some who are much younger than me, would really be interested.

I did give book 1 to a friend who trusts my judgment impeccably where books are concerned. Imagine my pleasure when he called and said he had finished it and wanted to borrow book 2.

A few weeks ago another friend came over to borrow something to read, and asked me about book 1. He was intrigued because of my praising. And then 2 days ago, another friend called me to ask if he could borrow it. I am amazed and thrilled! I know that my interests have always been varied enough for me to enjoy many things. But I didn’t expect this from my friends.

What makes today’s youth get interested in reading historical epics? These aren’t your every day action books, they aren’t love stories, there are no international conspiracies; in fact there is nothing in them that falls into the mould of a best seller.

It seems that this generation isn’t as shallow as one imagined. We are open to the values that these epics remind us of. We are curious to read tales of those we have been taught to revere. And it took the skillful way these books are written to allow this opportunity. If only history was taught like this in school, I am sure we would have all benefited.

FYI… Mr. Banker is now working on a rendition of the Mahabharat. I can’t wait!

Re-visited & Re-lived

2006-03-30T13:08:00.000+05:30

A year ago, to the date, I started out thinking that I would blog everyday. I have just about managed one a week (this is my 52nd post on this blog)

I spent a better part of my day today reading my own blogs. They weren’t half as bad as I thought, and in fact going by the comments on them, they were pretty good.

It was pleasant reminder of what I went through over the last year, the people who played a significant role in my life. The feelings I had and the experiences I went through. Reliving moments was enjoyable and revisiting the inspirations was very interesting.

Not every thing was obvious at the time, nor is it today, to people who read my blogs. But I know that the people behind some of the entries know it’s them.

When dad first asked cajoled me into blogging, I never realized that it would become a chronicle for me. For that reason alone I am really happy I did start and kept it on to the best of my abilities.

If I keep it up, next year will be even more interesting.
So thank you dad for introducing me to this world; Mayur for making it finally happen, all my fellow writers at Dud Sea Scrawls for welcoming me to your sanctum and leaving such wonderful comments. My friends, a lot of who read my blog, some of who comment and many who don’t; and my muses who helped me write.

A Novel Idea

2006-03-25T14:50:00.000+05:30

The pun in this blog’s title is definitely intended. What else would you call a book called the ‘Autobiography of a One Year Old’?

A fellow reader and dear friend mentioned this book to me a few months ago. When I couldn’t find it in my local bookshop, she sent over a copy and I am so glad she did. This book ranks as the most delightful book I have ever read.

I found the title of the book amusing, but it didn’t do anything to prepare me for the how hilarious the content is.

The protagonist is naturally a one year old, talking about his theories, discoveries and activities as the days go by. He calls his parents ‘hairy’ and ‘smooth’ and is most miffed at the state of affairs around him.

Short of copying paragraphs and paragraphs of the book to share with you, I can’t say anything about it that would do the book justice. All I can say is that I highly recommend it – the author is a gentleman called Rohan Candappa.

Thanks Nim for a very thoughtful and entertaining gift.

Welcome the traveller

2006-03-22T14:39:00.000+05:30

To say that my fiancé, JJ, leads an interesting life is the understatement of the century.

This man went from being an Officer with the Indian Army to jet setter in a span of a few months. He quit the Army for a variety of reasons and re-located to Dubai where he joined a company that has a presence in some 50 countries. An individual who had never set foot out of his own country was now flying to Africa one day and Afghanistan the next.

Thanks to my dad’s encouragement, he has started a blog of his own called 'The Traveller'; and I am thrilled to welcome him to the world of bloggers.

J, I enjoyed reading what you have written immensely. Please do keep writing, so I can see the world through your eyes.

Dhuleti

2006-03-16T14:37:00.000+05:30

Day 2 of the festival of Holi!

The day started out like it has every year. Rushing through the morning and coordinating with friends.

This year we weren’t just getting together and playing it by the ear. This time we had a full blown party happening...

Read More

Holi

2006-03-14T22:17:00.000+05:30

The festival of colors is upon us. Today is Holi, a festival of exuberance that marks the end of winter and the advent of spring.

Read More

Bad luck & Opportunities

2006-03-08T17:18:00.000+05:30

How unpredictable life is! Sure we all know this and I do too, but it doesn’t cease to amaze me.

Here I was putting together a plan and strategy for my life when bang! Everything goes for a toss.

As of the 1st of this month, JJ has been posted to Afghanistan by his company. They say he will be there for one and half to two years.

I honestly believed he and I were both finally at stage in our lives, where we could finally get married and start the next phase. But with this development, all plans are going to have to wait for these 2 years at least.

It made me intensely unhappy when I heard about this. Because I knew that it would be foolish for JJ to pass up this opportunity. For those few days I felt rather fatalistic about the whole thing. I resented him putting me in such a position.

I am the kind of person who relies on my friends a lot when I am going through a hard time. But this time I didn’t really talk to anyone about this. It was one of the lowest phases in my life and I couldn’t find the words to express myself to even my closest friends. I just kept to myself, not even talking to JJ (who at the time looked like the culprit to me).

One night we connected online and talked about it for hours. I heard the unhappiness in his voice too. I also heard a note of resignation and this made me feel even angrier. What had we done to deserve such bad luck?

As we talked, it suddenly occurred to me that I could also hear a hint of excitement in his manner. Putting further thought into it, I also began to see the move as the huge opportunity it really was.

Of course it would be good for JJ, and I don’t mean only the money aspect. It was a chance for him to take on new challenges and master them. The networking opportunities, the experience; everything seemed right about it.

Then I thought of my own life; my own career and my own dreams. Here I was being handed time and space to do all the things I thought I may not ever get a chance to and for the first time without a huge price attached to it.

When we weighed these aspects, we realized that if life were a 10, we were getting chance to make good of 9 out 10 things. The only downer being that we would have to be apart for that much longer.

We both slowly accepted this turn of events and are now busy trying to do the best we can. It isn’t easy, but it’s not the end of the world either.

I look forward to both of us proving to ourselves and the world what we are capable of and then getting together to start our belated next phase. We have both put a lot into our relationship. It has been hard, but we are stronger for that. I am sure that when we are finally together, it’s going to be all worth it.

Counting down to Bahrain

2006-03-05T19:12:00.000+05:30

Sports and I never got along. Not in school, not outside, and not since.

The extent was playing badminton with friends every evening or cycling for hours. Now swimming is another story all together. I simply love it and it is the only form of physical exertion that I will voluntarily indulge in.

So it came as quite a surprise to me when a few years ago, I started getting interested in watching Formula 1 racing. The maniacal speeds they drive at, the skill and precision required in the pit stops, the blaze of red as it crossed the finish line (you guessed it, I am a Ferrari fan).

At times I think it my love for fiery red car that got me interested in watching it as a race team. So I wasn’t disappointed when I saw Michael Schumacher win race after race, and clinch the championship.

Then last year Ferrari went poof! They weren’t winning, Schumacher wasn’t winning and like millions of fans over the world I started to lose interest.

This year, I am seeing the sport in a different light. I am still a Ferrari fan and am hoping to see Schumacher come back to form. But even if he doesn’t, there are quite a few drivers to look out for, and better still, at least 5 teams who are top contenders for the constructor’s championship.

To say the very least, it is going to be an interesting year ahead.

The first race is on March 12 in Bahrain… I can’t wait to see the 5 lights illuminate and go out signaling the start of the most competitive Formula 1 season I have ever seen.

Magic

2006-02-14T19:03:00.000+05:30

Evening came and she was nervous with anticipation. It was to be one of her first official valentine’s evenings out with her boyfriend. She had no idea what he had planned, the only hint he gave was the word ‘dressy’.

She dressed in all black – a backless blouse and chiffon sari. The anticipation of the evening added a blush to her face.

He arrived dressed in a pin striped jacket, light blue shirt and a tie that had been a gift from her.

No one knows who was more spellbound at the sight of the other.

They got in the car and drove to his house. She was surprised at the location, wondering where the rest of the family was. He asked her to wait in the car and then came back for her a few minutes later. He made her close her eyes and led her to the garden.

She heard the music first and then opened her eyes to see a couple of musicians strumming a love song. Next to them was a table set for 2, a bottle of chilled champagne and a single rose.

She popped the cork and he poured the bubbly; and followed it up with a toast to her. A few sips later he put his and her glass aside and asked her to dance. They held each other under the moonlight and swayed to sounds of love.

Time stood still in that moment. It was magic!

The music faded and the musicians left, leaving the couple to themselves. He insisted they have dinner and proudly served her favorite food (she came to know later that he had spent the night before learning and then whole day cooking for her). It was the same with dessert. And it was all perfect.

The evening started getting cold and he offered to take her indoors. They sat close together; he pulled her into his arms; she looked up and saw everything she ever wanted in her life reflected in his eyes. Their faces moved closer and their lips touched.

Tine for us to leave…

And that my dears, was the best Valentine’s Day I ever had. Every word of it is true and it still makes me smile the way I did that night.

I keep teasing JJ that he will have to work very hard to outdo that night. Circumstances, sadly, keep us apart most of the time, but I can bet he will find a way the next chance he gets. And he wonders why I am so in love with him...

Happy Valentine’s Day JJ! I love you!

Tukkal

2006-01-15T12:01:00.000+05:30

The evening of Uttrayan!

http://imefest.blogspot.com/2006/01/tukkal.html

Makar Sankranti

2006-01-14T18:59:00.000+05:30

This is a harvest festival celebrated on the 14th of January across the country. The names vary as do some of the ways of celebrating it.

http://imefest.blogspot.com/2006/01/makar-sankranti.html

Glucose biscuits and a cup of tea

2006-01-06T15:52:00.000+05:30

Winter always brings about hunger pangs for me. This afternoon when the grumbling started in my stomach I asked for a cup of tea and got myself a packet of glucose biscuits to dip in the tea. It has been so long since I had that combination, a trip down memory lane was inevitable.

Ok I admit today being the day it is might have a lot to do with it also. A birthday always brings with it an equal share of nostalgia, introspection about the past and some mental mapping for the future.

20 years ago… My memories of being nine are very hazy. All I can remember is my house and the desire to grow up faster than I was.

10 years ago… Now that was a good year. Life was great. I was in my first year of college. It was also my first year in AIESEC. I had made great friends and was doing brilliantly in both places. I also had the cutest boyfriend around. What more could I want.

Today… It’s my 29th birthday!

I have no idea where the last few years have gone. Like most others I have allowed life to become routine. There are very few things that stand out in the mundane humdrum of everyday.

We have this strange Indian way of describing age. Instead of counting years past, we refer to the age as the year that has begun. This means it would be said that I have started my 30th year.

Oh My God!

The big ‘3’ ‘0’ and nothing to show for it. At least nothing that gives me a great sense of satisfaction.

In the recent past a few people I am close to all turned 30 and all of them had the same thing to say that I am saying. Trust me to jump the gun and start thinking about it all a year ahead of time.

The way I see it, I now have a year to get some things out of the way, until this day next year, when I will really have to make an account of my life.

I think I will make a list of 30 things to do before I turn 30! Make sense? Who cares as long as I get them done…

A few I can think of at the moment… (In no particular order, except the 1st one)

1. Get married (remember the cute boyfriend… he is now the cutest fiancé around)
2. Learn to play the guitar (this one I have always wanted to do)
3. Learn to master Indian cooking (and I mean the normal stuff)
4. Lose weight (clichéd I know, bit I really need to)
5. Buy a big diamond for myself (incentive to make an X amount of money)

I can’t think of anymore at the moment, but I will surely keep adding to the list. Watch this space as they say…

And now off to prepare for an evening with my nearest and dearest friends. Details will follow…

Happy Birthday to me!

Happy 2006 everybody…

2006-01-01T14:50:00.000+05:30

It’s been ages since I posted anything on my festival blog. But then it’s been a while since I celebrated a festival.

http://imefest.blogspot.com/2006/01/happy-2006-everybody.html

2005: A retrospective

2005-12-31T16:30:00.000+05:30

The last day of 2005 is ebbing away gently. I am sitting at my desk thinking about what the past year was like for me. What is astonishing is that even though 365 days have past, there are just a handful of events I can remember now. Let me see how many noteworthy instances I can think of.

January

I wrote ‘Guardians of the past’; a poem I believe is my best ever. Sadly I haven’t written any more after that.

Celebrated my 28th birthday with some new but great friends. The whole day was wonderful what with a treasure hunt organized by my fiancé JJ and my whole house being done up with flowers and candles by my mom, and my best friends Chandani and Inderjit.

My dear friends Manan and Namrata got married. Now that was a blast. 10 days of nonstop celebrations. Wore a halter top for the first time in my life, for his cocktail. To my relief and surprise it stayed in place the whole evening.

February

The movie Black was released. I went to see it with friends. It has to be one the most outstanding movies I have seen being made in this country. Most people cried in the movie, I on the other hand found it very uplifting.

Went to Delhi to witness an awards ceremony where a close friend Rahul Sehgal was being given an award for his work with animals. It was a very proud moment for me. I am lucky to have such friends.

Came back from Delhi and finally went to a doctor to talk about severe chest pains I had been having. He said they were most likely muscular, but he did stress the need for me to quit smoking and lose weight. I of course am still trying to do this.

Got my hair colored, something I have been wanting for a few years. Colored them red, orange and 2 shades of brown. My stylist did a fantastic job. I couldn’t believe how good my hair looked.

March

Helped conceptualize and put together what would be the first of many theme parties for friend’s birthdays. This time it was for Amit and the theme was Hawaiian. He was truly surprised and the party was a hit.

Finally started my blog. I went on to discover that I really enjoyed writing and seemed to have a flair for it. I chalk this up as being the best event of the year for me.

April

Was invited to join an online blogging community called ‘Dud Sea Scrawls’. It was wonderful to read the stuff that the bloggers here wrote. It was also very exhilarating to be welcomed there so warmly and to read the wonderful comments they posted on my work.

Made my first ad hoc meal. I have always wanted to cook and enjoy it thoroughly. I could never cook without recipes and lots of pre-planning. Then one evening I had no choice and made a meal from what I had handy. It turned out really well and since then my confidence has grown immensely.

June

JJ got a job in Dubai and quit the army. This change was a nerve racking experience for him. I did my best to be there for him, including accompanying him to Delhi where he put in his papers. Thinking back I think he is happy with the decision.

Got news that one of my oldest friends Viral and his wife Vaishalli were expecting their first child. Technically they were the first to be married in all the friends. It was wonderful to hear this development.

J. K. Rowling released the 6th Harry Potter book; ‘The Half–blood Prince’. I am an avid follower of the child wizard’s tale. I think this was her darkest, most intense book and clearly the best of the lot.

Saw the movie ‘Parineeta’. What a splendid movie, with a soundtrack to match. The actors were perfect, as were the sets and costumes. Everything about the flick left a nice smile on your face.

Bought myself a 40 GB Ipod. I was waiting till a time when I could afford one and that day finally came. I can’t even begin to describe the incredible pleasure I got from this and am still getting. My music collection is up to 10 GB already.

July

The second theme party happened for Chirag’s birthday. The theme was Arabic and we did all we could to get the right props, décor, music, ambiance, the works. Dressing up was the best part.

JJ left for Dubai to start his new job. I didn’t know when I would see him next. I really wish I could have gone with him to offer whatever moral support I could. I heard the excitement in his voice and it made me very happy. Life had just taken a big leap in another direction for both of us.

August

My blog ‘A View at Friendship’ was published at Serene Light. I still find it amazing that they found the article nice enough to publish in an international online magazine. It was a great honor for me, especially since this was my first article being published.

The third theme party was held at my place for Inderjit’s birthday. This time it was all about the Italian mob in America during the 50’s and 60’s. Everyone dressed up so well, it was a visual treat.

A long over due trip to Sasan Gir, a lion sanctuary in Gujarat materialized at last. Sadly it was mating season so we didn’t get to see any lions, but we did hear one roar loudly and walk past our car. It can’t have been more that 5 feet from us, hidden by the bushes.

My parents and I shifted out of our house of 19 years. It was a heartbreaking experience for me. To leave all the memories behind, the familiar walls, the safety of home. Packing all our belongings and watching the house get stripped was even worse.

September

Traveled to Agra for the first ever AIESEC Alumni Conference. Spent 3 days with a 150 alumni and had a blast. It was so good to be back in the AIESEC world. I also managed to see the Taj Mahal; and that too at sunrise. The way it changed colors and picked up the light was spectacular.

‘Salaam Namaste’ was released. What a great movie. Full of laughter and madness and so correctly representative of what young urban Indians are like now. The last movie I saw that was like this was ‘Dil Chahta Hai’.

October

Read the first 4 books of Ashok Banker’s version of the ‘Ramayan’. It took 8 days to read them all (average of 500 pages each). He writes very well and has made an old epic into a warm and human story. I can’t wait to read the remaining parts.

November

Over the Diwali holidays, I invited my friends over for an inaugural party at my new place. The house was far from ready and actually a mess. But I don’t think anyone minded one bit. I was very happy to share this evening with these particular friends. It meant a lot to me to have them all there that night.

8 of us made a trip to a quaint little place called ‘Sayla’. We were there for one night only. But what a lot of fun we had. I don’ think any of us are going to forget this trip for a long time. Many people enjoyed reading my travelogue about it as well.

‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’ hit the cinemas mid-November. I went to see it twice in that first week itself. I loved the movie. The special effects in this one beat all the rest. I wouldn’t mind watching it all over again.

Got news that Manan and Namrata were expecting their first child. Stunning news, that came as a shock to them as well. But it was great. Now there were 2 babies on their way in the gang.

December

My best friend Inderjit got married to Tanvi in Madras. I was so happy for him, but he is mad at me for missing the wedding. I tried to make up by helping him put together a party here in town. I am sure it will take a lot more though before they forgive me.

At last we shifted into our new place; B 103 Goyal Terrace. We still haven’t settled in and the house still needs bits and pieces of work done. But it’s getting there. After a 5 month struggle, the result is outstanding. You have to see it to believe it.

Went for a family holiday with my parents, uncle, aunt and grandmother to Goa. It was the first time our family vacationed together. The weather was perfect. We ate great food and took advantage of the beach and sun.

And that brings me to today. I will end the year with a few friends over a barbeque. And tomorrow will start a brand new story.

Till then,

Happy New Year!!!

Have a rocking 2006!!!

Sisters over the years

2005-11-26T12:26:00.000+05:30

"A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost."
Marion C. Garretty

Pri,

On this day of yours, I wish all the happiness in the world for you. There is no one I know who deserves it more than you. Happy Birthday Sis!

Joli

Pri and I have nearly always lived in different cities. The few days we spend together now and then, are precious.

As children we spent many days at our grandmother’s house, playing all the time, fighting and hurting each other, loving each other. We couldn’t wait to meet, the first days were full of excitement and then the fights would start. But when the time to separate came closer all that would be forgotten. There was a sense of desperation to hold on to each moment. It was hell for our parents to separate us. We would cry and howl and nothing could comfort us.

A few months later, the cycle would start again.

When she would come to town, the highlight of my life was when she would come pick me up from school. I couldn’t wait to show her off to all my classmates. I honestly believed that no one could have a sister as perfect as mine. I still believe that.

When I went to stay with her, she made me do the same thing. Though I don’t think I will forgive her for making me go to her class in my pajamas.

The town she lived in was very safe and beautiful. I remember countless walks we went for as kids, even once when we didn’t tell anyone we were going and gave everyone at home a royal scare.

Then there were the midnight feasts when she stayed at my place (you can blame Enid Blyton for putting this into our heads) and countless hours watching the same movies over and over. Chitti Chitti Bang Bang was one of them. I can’t remember the name of the other one, but I do remember it was about a man, who had a ring with an inscription and each time someone read that inscription out loud, this man would turn into a large furry dog.

I have always wanted to follow in her footsteps, do what she did, and be like her. So when she applied for boarding school, all it took was for my mum to tell me this and I wanted to go also. Unfortunately, I didn’t get through one of the exams and the humiliation was so great that I never tried again. She went of to school and I looked forward to living the same life through her letters.

There are no words to describe how I felt when she asked me to come with her parents to her school. The first time was to pick her up. The second was for her school's prize giving ceremony in her last year there.

There she stood in her lovely pink and beige salwar–kurta (the school’s dress uniform), as vice-captain of the school, amongst the other captains. She looked so amazing and I never knew a prouder moment. That was my big sister standing there.

She always made everyone proud of her. Very good at academics, excellent at sports, never-ending creativity in everything she did. Nothing I could ever do came anywhere close to her. Much as I tried.

She did her college years in Bombay. Again I would have loved to be with her. But it didn’t work out. I reconciled myself by visiting her a few times. She always ensured that all her friends became my friends and made sure that I had a great time.

Soon after college, she met this guy and got engaged to him. They made a wonderful couple and I was really happy for her. A year later, they were married. That day when I saw Pri, I was speechless. I have yet to see a more beautiful bride.

Nothing changed... in fact she is probably the only person I know who didn’t allow her marriage to change her. To the contrary she seemed to grow even more as a person. Trips to Bombay became even more fun. My brother in law, Rushabh, is great company. When I heard she was having a baby, I went crazy with joy.

She still doesn’t forgive me for not going when her son was born. I eventually ended up seeing him on his first birthday. There was no way I was missing that day. And I have given her my word, that as far as possible, I will always be with her and Rohan on his birthdays.

Each time there was something special happening in her life; Pri made it a point to ask me to be a part of it. Every gift she ever gave me was thought of and specially chosen. There is no end to her generosity. No one else can ever make me feel so special

Every year on her birthday I make sure I call her at the stroke of 12 to wish her. Invariably she is asleep. Last night at 12 I looked at my phone, for once I decided to let the poor thing sleep. At 1, she called me, demanding that I wish her and cursing me for not calling. I can’t win can I???

Having a sister is wonderful, having one like Pri is good fortune. I am a very lucky girl!

"For there is no friend like a sister, in calm or stormy weather, to cheer one on the tedious way, to fetch one if one goes astray, to lift one if one totters down, to strengthen whilst one stands."
Christina G. Rossetti

I’m a wok!

2005-11-23T15:37:00.000+05:30

Apparently when I was a kid I used to call my cook, Magan, a good ‘cooker’. Dad was a good ‘drawer’ and so on and so forth.

This morning my mother called me a ‘good Chinese cooker’. In a sleepy haze, my mind worked its own logic and I pronounced that I am a wok! (Since a lot of Chinese cooking is done in a wok, but then you already you knew that...)

So why am I a wok? Well, because for the first time last night, I tried my hand at cooking a Chinese meal and it turned out swell. Dad is thrilled and instantly pronounced that I cooked better Chinese then mum, and she... well, you read what her reaction is. They both enjoyed their meals thoroughly and this wok here is thrilled.

This is what was on the menu and for the cookers out there, here are the recipes. (I hunted for hours on the net before I found them, so please forgive me for not mentioning the sources.)

EGG FRIED RICE

2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
3 cups cold unsalted cooked rice
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
4 scallions, thinly sliced
1 cup frozen peas, thawed

Heat 1 tablespoon oil in a wok or 12-inch nonstick skillet over moderately high heat until just smoking; Add eggs and cook briefly, stirring once or twice, until just softly set, then transfer to a small bowl. Heat remaining tablespoon oil in wok, then add rice, salt, and pepper and stir-fry until heated through and starting to crisp, about 3 minutes. Add scallions and peas and stir-fry 1 minute. Add egg and stir-fry just until combined. (Carrots, bean sprouts make nice additions)

SALT AND PEPPER PRAWNS

450 g King prawns
8 tablespoons Vegetable oil
2 Spring onions (scallions)
2 cloves Garlic
2 Dried chilies
1 1/2 teaspoon Szechwan peppercorns
1 1/2 teaspoon Salt

Wash and shell the prawns. Sprinkle on 1 1/2 teaspoon of the oil. Cut the spring onions into 2.5 cm sections. Thinly slice the garlic. Shred the chilies. Lightly pound the peppercorns and mix with the salt. Heat the remaining oil in a wok or frying pan. When hot, stir-fry the prawns over a high heat for 1 minute. Remove the prawns and pour away the oil to use for other purposes, except for 1 tablespoon. Reheat the oil in the wok or pan. When hot, quickly stir-fry the chili, garlic and spring onion. Spread out the spring onion and chili and return the prawns. Sprinkle on the salt and pepper mixture and stir-fry for 45 seconds.

LEMON CHICKEN

8 chicken breast halves, de-boned and cut into bite size pieces
1/2 cup cornstarch
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1/4 cup water
4 egg yolks, beaten
2 cups Cooking Oil
Green onions, sliced

For the Lemon Sauce
1 1/2 cup water
1/2 cup lemon juice
3 1/2 tablespoons light brown sugar
3 tablespoons cornstarch
3 tablespoons honey
2 teaspoons chicken bouillon granules
1/4 teaspoon ginger or more if desired

Combine cornstarch, salt and pepper. Blend in water and egg yolks. Dip chicken pieces into cornstarch-egg mixture. Fry chicken in oil for about 5 minutes until golden. Drain. Sprinkle with green onions. Pour sauce over chicken. For the sauce: Combine all the ingredients in a saucepan. Cook over medium heat, stirring, about 5 minutes until sauce boils. Pour over chicken. This recipe also works well in a wok. (Dip some triangle cut bread slices to the remaining batter and fry, serve separately with the Lemon Chicken)

Put together the 3 dishes made a very light but filling meal and the tastes were varied enough to compliment each other. Instead of prawns, similarly stir fried vegetables would also go very well with the other 2.

But, I am my biggest critic and there were many things I thought of that would improve the meal tremendously. The rice needed to be boiled less and fried a little more, and a little more salt. The prawns were a little bland, maybe a wee bit of soy sauce and vinegar would help. The lemon sauce was too thin, a little more corn flour and boiling would have done the trick. Plus it would have helped if the chicken had been soaked for a little longer to tenderize the meat.

I am going to go and buy myself a proper wok (then there’ll be 2 of us) and try my hand at more Chinese and Oriental cooking. It really is an art to know when to stop and not overcook the food. I am determined to master this.

Next stop… the wok shop!

Sayla

2005-11-17T15:02:00.000+05:30

We were supposed to leave for Sayla at 9.30 am, or so it had been decided. Of course 9.30 am came and went, and eventually my ride came at 11.00. I was going to be in the car with Inderjit and Chirag, while Amit, Jyoti, her sister Jagruti and their friend Anjali were traveling in the other car.

Read More

Appreciation

2005-11-08T16:04:00.000+05:30

I never believed I could be a writer. But I always wanted to be one.

At one stage of my life I started writing poetry and the few people I shared it with seemed to really like my work. But unlike many poets I could never write unless the correct inspiration hit me. Which meant I wrote very rarely and very little. My last one was written 11 months ago.

My father and a friend pushed me into starting a blog. Then dad introduced me to a community of bloggers (Dud Sea Scrawls). I started writing with a vengeance and if I were to go by the comments I received, not only do I write well, but my subjects are interesting also.

The poetry fizzled out and so did my blogging… Until a few weeks back! I wanted to create a one page write up on the Indian festival of Diwali for my customers all over the world. This led me to thinking of writing about all our Indian celebrations (an idea I have been toying with since college) and so I created this new blog.

Again the words of praise started coming in. To be very honest, for me, appreciation of my writing is akin to a hedonistic pleasure.

And then something happened to over shadow everything. My fiancé saw my new blog and sent me an email. I have never known such appreciation before. This has to be one of the biggest compliments I have ever got. It left me speechless. It is too wonderful to keep it private. With his consent I am publishing it here for the world to see.

------

That was awesome jaan... I just read your new blog… Every time I think you outdid yourself, you go ahead and do it all over again… It was fantastic love; absolutely amazing…

It’s like you have taken the festival, your wishes and your rangoli to a different level… Your idea of the virtual rangoli has actually taken it to newer places outside the confines of your house into the millions of homes that are going to read it and celebrate the festival wishing you even if they don’t write back…

I can’t imagine what its like to be you, to have that creativity and the… JAAN I AM SIMPLY OUT OF WORDS, it is fantastic...

Thanks for a wonderful Diwali present to all of us… I say that not just for myself but for all the people that are going to read this… JAAN SIMPLY AMAZING…

HAPPY DIWALI LOVE.......

& WE WILL HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR AND A WONDERFUL LIFE AHEAD.....

Love
JJ

------

What can I say to this? Thank you so much JJ… your words mean the world to me and you even more so.

All the signs tell me not to stop writing. I hope I don’t, because I really enjoy it, and I hope you don’t stop reading and commenting.

Here’s to lots of creativity and many more writings… Cheers!

Bhai Beej and the Jain New Year

2005-11-03T21:07:00.000+05:30

Happy new year once again! And a Happy Bhai Beej… 2 celebrations in one…

This time last year…

I dropped my fiancé at the train station and rushed home to get the prayer thali ready for my brothers who would be coming home to meet me.

Read More

Happy New Year

2005-11-02T23:15:00.000+05:30

The start of the new year according to the Hindu calendar. In fact based on this calendar we are actually starting the year 2062. Apparently we are running ahead of the rest of the world. Thankfully in normal life we use the Gregorian calendar, other wise we would be really confused.

Read More

Happy Diwali!

2005-11-01T22:40:00.000+05:30

The day we have all been waiting for is here. Bringing with it all the traditions, customs and rituals that go with it.

Read More

Kali Chaudas

2005-10-31T17:12:00.000+05:30

A day that marks the destruction of evil, a day when the black arts are practiced and a night that is considered the witching night. Coincidentally today is also Halloween.

Read More

Dhanteras

2005-10-30T22:43:00.000+05:30

Finally, the festival of Diwali is upon us. Today marks the beginning of the rituals and festivities.

Read More

One day more

2005-10-29T17:47:00.000+05:30

The festive bug has got to me. Everything I need to do tomorrow, I want to do today. I didn’t even feel like coming into work. It’s the weekend…

Read More

The countdown has begun

2005-10-28T17:15:00.000+05:30

Theatrics aside, there are two days left for Dhanteras. Two days for the beginning of the celebrations / rituals / customs / the works.

This time last year…

The diyas (clay lamps) were extracted a few days ago, from an odd box in the cellar and soaked in water. This in the hope of getting rid of last year’s soot and oil remnants. Getting them clean and usable for this year.

Read More

This year is an exception

2005-10-27T15:46:00.000+05:30

Every year for the last 15 years, I have always been very excited about the onset of Diwali. There are so many things to do in preparation. I hassle everyone at home to clean up the place. Put away things that will not be needed for the next 10 days. Things need to be bought, or dug out obscure boxes lying in the cellar.This year… there is none of that.

Read More

Diwali

2005-10-26T14:42:00.000+05:30

This is a small write up for my customers from all over the world... http://imefest.blogspot.com/2005/10/diwali.html

There comes a time in life when you have to stop dreaming.

2005-09-08T15:48:00.000+05:30

Me! I remember dreaming as far back as my memory goes. Mum and dad used to tell about their lives and I would imagine.. Then I would learn something in school and add that into my fantasy. Conversations with friends, plots in books, stories in moves all had the same effect.

I would build an image in my head, add in surroundings and circumstances and voila, I had a dream. Some may call this fantasizing and they are probably right. But so often these concoctions of mine have actually turned into aspirations.

This didn’t end in childhood (though I know a large number of unfortunate people who let it end). I still do this. But now the places I take inspirations from are more varied and complex.

It’s like this… I can see myself in a different place (someplace I have probably only read about). Sitting with someone who is at the forefront of my thoughts, the conversations all about things I wish I could tell him. All this leads to a situation that I desire. The clothes, the music and other peripheral occurrences just fall into place. And this is just the beginning. The fantasy evolves on it’s on from here onwards.

If I try and imagine the same scenario a few months later, it won’t be the same. It changes each time.

Chances are nothing of this will ever come true. Honestly I don’t think I would want it to. But in the midst of the ‘never never land’, I find answers to real questions. Goals get realigned, plans get modified and life moves onto a marginally different path.

Is this a colossal waste of time? I don’t know! It works for me! It also largely contributes to my state of ‘unbelonging’.

This may sound selfish, but I believe the only dreams that make sense are the ones that are self created; personal issues and personal desires. It can’t depend on anyone else. It can’t even come from someone else.

Why? Because this someone else will probably show you a lifetime in a few moments. Promises and dreams will be built into these moments. If you take them to heart, they will start to look real, plausible even. But what you don’t realize is that this reality you are holding so close is actually that person’s fantasy for the moment, nothing else. It will pass in a blink of an eyelid and you will be left holding a whisper.

Eventually we are all dispensable in other people’s dreams. You can’t build your own dream on a whisper. If this happens, then it’s time to stop dreaming!

World Peace

2005-07-16T14:59:00.000+05:30

An age old cliché: Question asked to Miss Universe Pageant finalists “What would you like to achieve if you were crowned Miss Universe?” Reply by all aspirants “World Peace!”

Nearly everyone I know believes in a cause. Some of them even contribute in some way. There are the rare few who are driven by these causes.

At the age of 18 I joined one of the largest youth communities in the world today, called AIESEC. Ironically, this association was born out of a desire for world peace. But that’s a broad point of view. What it aimed to achieve is peace through understanding, interaction, exchange, education, empowerment and much more. I could tell you more but then that would be a blog on its own. Frankly a visit to www.aiesec.org will tell you more than I ever can.

It was because of this that I became aware that everyone I knew had, at some level or the other, the desire to give back to the world. As a matter of curiosity I started asking people around me this one question:

“If you had all the money and time in the world and you decided to support a cause. What would your top three causes be and in what order?”

I got a variety of replies to this, but the majority went with old age and / or children. A few mentioned cancer research, HIV / AIDS, mentally / physically retarded children and so on and so forth.

This got me thinking about what kind of person I am. Thankfully very few asked me my choices. Because if they heard them, they would have thought I had my priorities mixed up.

My choices and in this order:
1. The environment
2. Animals / Wildlife
3. Education (child and adult)

Does this make me a callous human, who doesn’t care about health, elder people, under nourished children? Not in my eyes…

I have a million justifications to my choices; I don’t think I need to elaborate too much on them. Suffice to say that without the environment there will be no health. Without the ecological balances of nature and its creatures, there isn’t going to be a world to grow old in, or bring new children into. And for those who are already on the planet, education is the single most important step to creating better lives.

The only thing I would add to it if I had the option for a fourth cause is empowerment. All it takes is to make people believe in themselves and give them a few basic tools, and they will never have to rely on anyone else. “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and you feed him for life.”

Today I am proud to know that at some level or the other I am contributing to all these causes. Sadly, it’s not enough, but I know I can make it more meaningful.

I work with father in a business that sells reusable bags the world over to help lessen the plastic menace. We are also trying to set up something that can become a community effort to make use discarded plastic so it doesn’t land up in land fills. (www.badlani.com/bags)

As of last week, on the request of a dear friend, I have rejoined the effort of helping his organization “Animal Help Foundation” achieve what it set out to do 4 years ago. (www.ahfindia.org) Being an active alumnus of AIESEC, assisting them achieve a 50+ year old dream, completes my cycle.

If anyone tells me that there is just so much one person can do, then I would request them to watch a movie called ‘Schindler’s List’. He was and remains my inspiration. I want to make a difference that means I can.

To world peace, Salute!

The proposal

2005-07-08T15:40:00.000+05:30

The phone rang; I saw the number and smiled. His sweet voice was on the other end. With no preamble he asked me ‘will you marry me?’ For a moment I was stunned into silence and then with a catch in my throat I said what I had to. ‘Yes! Yes, I will marry you’

He said that he was my prince charming and he would come on a horse to marry me. I couldn’t stop smiling. It was so sweet; so amazing.

‘I’ll get you pretty clothes and diamond jewelry. I’ll make you a beautiful big house, where I’ll keep you happy. We will call all our friends and enjoy every moment.’

I was in heaven… he was promising me everything a girl could ever want. I knew I was going to be the envy of everyone around me.

He said he couldn’t wait; he wanted to do this the next morning itself. Why would I argue? ‘Sure lets do it.’

The next morning arrived, and I waited… but prince charming never came…

Sigh…

He was in school with all the other 5 year olds and his Kaaguma still can’t stop smiling…

Belonging & Un-belonging

2005-07-07T13:56:00.000+05:30

I just finished reading a book by James Patterson called Maximum Ride. He has written about 6 kids who at or before birth were injected with avian DNA, which made them mostly human but part bird.

They live in isolation, hiding from the world; they are regarded as mutants, freaks; they don’t belong. Yet their emotions, their desires aren’t any different from any of us. What 6 year old doesn’t like to have toys; who doesn’t like homemade chocolate cookies? These phenomena are universal. This is them, yet they don’t belong.

The whole book is about them struggling to keep alive while their creators are trying to hunt them down and kill them. It maybe a little silly but I felt their pain, shared their joy and saw the world from their eyes.

At one part, Max, the protagonist comes in touch with a human who she takes the risk to ask for help. Max has been shot through the shoulder and asking for help means exposing her delicate wings. The lady doesn’t bat an eyelid, cleans her wounds, feeds her and gives her a warm bed to sleep in.

What makes this lady different from other normal humans? Her compassion; her tolerance and patience; or maybe a heightened sense of peace within that doesn’t make her view something different as a threat?

Real life is not at all like science fiction, but aren’t we also to blame for the same things? Don’t we view people who are different from us with suspicion? Do we not fear them, shun them and even make fun of them?

This comes at times from fear of the unknown, suspicion of the ‘out of the ordinary’, defense for a way of life that has been ingrained into our senses, and often from a feeling of envy and disdain for things that we can’t have or do.

It happens all the time. I have always been the odd one out in my family. To an extent this is because my parents are such distinct individuals even within their own family units. But other than that it is because this is who I am.

In school kids would make fun of me for speaking in English and not being fluent in the regional languages. In college I was infamous because I smoked and didn’t try and hide it. Most of my cousins think I am nuts, again because I smoke and drink openly, have my nose pierced and a tattoo on my shoulder.

The elder generation thinks there is something wrong with me because unlike my cousin sisters who have married nice rich men and spend their days at home caring for their families, I am still unmarried, working and actually planning to marry a guy who chose the armed forces as a career.

Don’t get me wrong; I have nothing against what these girls are doing, in fact I respect it, especially seeing that I don’t have the ability to do it. But I really don’t think what I am looking for is unacceptable either.

I don’t belong in my family, in my society! Yet within this un-belonging, I have found my place and each day I try and see how I can marry the two…

I don’t want to belong! But I do want to un-belong in the nicest possible manner!

Until I do, I don’t!!!

2005-07-06T14:01:00.000+05:30

Procrastination and an aim for perfection

So basically I have been living under the impression that until I can figure out what it is I want to write about and where it is going, I can’t write. I call this an aim for perfection, others call it procrastination.

Nomenclature aside, it’s the truth. I haven’t found anything to write about and what ever little I can think of, I don’t know where to take it. The result… silence!

I have a friend who tries his best to change this silly habit of mine, even suggesting things I can write about. It hasn’t worked has it? That’s not entirely true. The pod blog was his suggestion… Thanks man!

A quick self evaluation told me that this silliness of mine is not restricted to blogs; it seems to follow me around wherever I go. As far as I remember I have always been like this.

I feel the constant need to aim for perfection. And each time I think I have come close, my mind just raises the bar. It’s like being a dancer doing the limbo rock in reverse. Only it doesn’t get easier the higher it gets.

A corollary to this quest of mine is the desire to organize all the time. From making lists (which I assure you, is not always a bad thing) to rechecking things a million times. I also try to be freakishly neat. Constantly arranging things and doing it again if I am not quite happy with it.

It’s got to a point where friends call me ‘obsessive compulsive’ and think it is great fun to rile me by changing the placement of objects in my surroundings. To my horror they succeed in getting me fidgety.

And to think I laugh at similar quirks that Monica has in Friends, and my late uncle had. My cousin inherited it from him; I wonder where I got it from?

Dad is going to be very amused when he reads this; because he remembers all too clearly the messy room his daughter had nearly all her life… From one extreme to another!!!

I kind of prefer the new me! I need to find more things and ways to ‘do’… Until I do, I don’t!

PS: If this one meandered, it’s not my fault; I’m trying to disprove my OCD!

Huh???

2005-07-05T21:59:00.000+05:30

Ok here’s a funny story!

A gentleman in the UK is putting up a unique sculpture / display. It comprises of a tap, with running water, which will flow constantly for a year.

The motive… to make people aware of the amount of water they waste.

Maybe it’s me, but seriously what sense does that make? By showing water flowing, you want people to shut their taps when they brush their teeth or shave.

I’m confused. All I can say I hope it works and those of you who choose to go see it, make sure you take a trip to the john before. It promises to be a ‘leaky’ experience.

I pod music, do u?

2005-06-29T18:55:00.000+05:30

It was many years ago that I would fall asleep to the voice of James Taylor. Dad had a small Sony casette player that he used. When I got older I inherited the player, while dad upgraded himself. That’s when I started to have an opinion about what I like to listen to and what I didn’t.

I also started buying tapes for myself. It was so much fun. Especially when I would go to America for my annual holiday and I would hear all the new songs, buy the newest music and it bring it back. I was the envy of all my friends.

Somewhere along the line, I heard of a new thing called the ‘compact disc’. But they were so expensive! Being a music lover, dad of course got himself a player. That paved the way for me to get myself some CDs. I remember, my first CD was Wham’s Make it Big album. Over the next few years I accumulated all of 5 CDs. Man I was on a roll.

Now 15 years later, I have something close to 250 CDs… and a truly eclectic collection at that. What next…

I discovered MP3s and started collecting music on my computer. Now we are in the age of portable players that support this new form of compressed music. The age of the Ipod!

What a smart move by Apple. It has boosted their overall sales, besides making them a whopping profit from the Ipod. Your choice of memory capacity from 4 GB to 60 GB…

I waited a long time, thinking, hoping, wishing that the price of the pod would drop to an affordable level. You would think it would, like most electronics do. But no such luck!

So I succumbed, and finally bought myself an Ipod. A 40 GB with photo (I mean how can I survive without being able to carry all my pictures wherever I go). I don’t believe I took this step but suffice to say I am thrilled out of my senses.

Does this mean I will abandon all my CDs? Are you kidding me? I still listen to my tapes, why should my CDs be any different.

So now I have a huge collection of music no matter where I am. Next step? To collect the music that I lack… whether tape, CD or on the pod.

In the words of the bard, “If music be the food of love… play on…”

Pehli pehli baarish...

2005-06-08T14:31:00.000+05:30

This classifies as one of the best days of the year. It is the day of the first rain. Early this morning I woke with a start to the most exceptional sound ever. The sound of rain, not the drizzle kind, but the constant swooshing type!

I couldn’t help myself. I had to see this; I jumped out of bed and ran to the window. It was gorgeous… The light was still the gentle color of dawn… but instead of pinks and oranges… there was this bright grey. The skies had upturned a few buckets and it was coming down. The breeze was cool. Beautiful!

Instinct told me to run out and dance in the rain. And just when I was about to, my brains kicked in and I noticed the time. 6.30 am is no time to go prancing about in the rain or anywhere for that matter. So I did the next best thing and cuddled back into my blanket and watched the skies…

Dreaming of other first rains… of times spent…

Going to school on a bicycle, getting drenched by the time you got there. Leaving wet trails in hallowed academic halls, and praying that it would keep raining hard so we would let off early. Never coming home even if this did happen, being with friends was more fun.

A few years later bicycles gave way to other 2 wheelers, this time capable of maniacal speeds. Now if the rain was good and the spirit even better, no one made it to class… choosing instead an out of the way place to eat something, or just drive around without getting caught by any parents.

Reveling in the visual delight of college campuses lush green with the water cascading off the foliage making puddles all over the place. Cutting class to have that steaming cup of tea, sometimes even managing dalwadas, bhajias or makai butta.

When a little older, romancing in the rain! Going for long drives in a car; listening to love songs and holding hands in the little cocoon. Or maybe choosing a bike instead, holding each other tight, letting the water cool blushing faces.

If feeling a little more serene; taking long walks with friends or sitting with them having a few drinks (that keep getting diluted) and listening to the sound of ghazals playing indoors.

In a more carefree mood, lying in the grass with eyes shut… or better still playing in the rain with a young one, for whom this is still a new thing.

And no matter what stage you were at, eventually coming indoors, having a hot shower and then sitting by the window watching nature’s spectacle.

I have done all this and more. I can’t wait for the monsoon to set in well, to relive some of these moments. At least those that can be… For the rest, if you ever see me sitting by the window staring out, you will know what I am thinking.

…pehli pehli baarish ki chitte, pehli baarish bheegey ho ho…

Exciting Holidays

2005-05-23T16:59:00.000+05:30

I asked my father today to recollect his most ‘exciting’ holiday ever. He didn’t have an answer. Naturally this got me thinking of what my answer to this question would be. I have many memorable trips, but the most exciting, that’s actually a difficult one to pin.

The one that comes to mind immediately is my second trip to Disney world. The first one was when I was too young. The second one I remember. There the excitement was directly related to the first trip. I wanted to do everything I had done the first time round and everything I had missed. I even kept my eyes open through the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ ride, but then that’s another story.

My first time in Paris was definitely exciting. I couldn’t believe it; I was actually on top of the Eiffel Tower, and inside the Louvre staring at Da Vinci’s ‘Mona Lisa’, walking up the steps of Montmartre, and cringing at the prices at Galeries Lafayette. What an experience! What a city!

My second trip to Dubai could count as well. I was going to be at the ‘Dubai Shopping Festival’ for the first time. I had heard so much about it. Plus it was 15 days before my graduation final exams. That definitely added to the fun. The highlight of that trip was an evening out in the desert. Only sand and dunes till your eye can see. Even though we were with guides, I couldn’t shake a nagging inner voice saying ‘what if you got lost’... Shudder!

A lot closer to home, my first visit to my fiancé at his army base, ranks as one the best. Oviously since it was the first time I was going to visit him I was excited. But him being in Jaipur (a city I have always been fascinated with) added to it. I went for New Year’s and it was so cold. Yet what a blast we had. Of course 6 months later I went right back. Rajasthan in May, you can imagine what it was like. Not that it made a difference to us; we still had a great time.

Now that I think about it, I have had very good reasons to be excited about most trips I make, whether it is to party with my best friend in Delhi, or to attend national conferences with AIESEC, or to have laid back vacations at the beach, whether Goa, Diu or Kelva…

I think it’s time I plan my next trip… But for now, Arrivederci…

2005-05-18T16:55:00.000+05:30

It's just an illusion

Happy Birthday Dad

2005-05-11T17:11:00.000+05:30

Today is a special day! Not because it considered one of the most auspicious days of the year 2005, but because it’s dad’s birthday.

As usual I have spent an agonizing last few days trying to figure out what I could get him, how I could make his day enjoyable. Like Susan Sarandon’s problem with Richard Gere in ‘Shall we dance?’ there is nothing that I can get him which fits in a box.

Mom and I have tried many gifts, from mobile phones, to the entire set of the TV series ‘Yeh jo hai zindagi’; from briefcases to books to music to clothes. Eventually the ideas have run out. He has already acquired all the little oddities that he enjoys. I know a few things he would love, but had they been available, he would have had them already.

For many years, we as a family would shove off to Goa and celebrate his birthday there. I don’t think he has ever enjoyed his birthdays more than those. The first time we were there, some friends of his decided to get the hotel to make a cake for him; in the shape of a woman’s naked abdomen. I was mortified, I was also 11.

Another year, we had an impromptu gathering with some friends who were there as well, and some people who we had just met there. Someone brought a guitar, and the party was on in the lawn outside our cottage.

But Goa isn’t possible every year, so one year mom and I decided to make summer fun come to us. We had a party on the poolside of my grandparents’ house. Everyone swam and ate and drank and had a blast.

I don’t know when we will be able to celebrate his birthday like that next. But I do hope it is soon. Actually when I think about it, if I were to carefully plan this out, maybe I can put things together for his birthday next year from now! Not only will it be a great gift for him, but it will also ensure he spends this day as he likes best.

Looks like I have a goal for the coming year. I had better start cracking… Happy Birthday dad, thanks for inspiring me to do and be everything good… I love you! This time next year, I’ll wish you on the beaches of Goa…

A view at friendship

2005-04-27T17:09:00.000+05:30

Imagine this… a 5 year old boy who was cute as a button… a 5 year old girl who wanted to be friends with him. Now this is not an easy set of circumstances considering the age. Then came the day to celebrate rakhi in school as all good Indian schools do, and the boys and girls of Sr. Kindergarten (Div. E) were made to line up in pairing rows. The girls were told to tie their threads to the boy in front of them.

Above mentioned boy jumps the line to stand in front of the girl and she can’t believe her luck. What better way to break the ice! So she dutifully tied the rakhi to this boy and proclaimed him her brother.

Today, 24 years later, Jo and I are still the best of friends. I still tie him a rakhi and he is the best brother a girl could ever ask for. We have gone through everything together, classmates through school, we parted for college, but came back to do our post graduation in the same institute.

Called the ‘Siamese twins’ we did everything together, there was really no space for anyone else. This didn’t stop us from having other friends… but nothing comes close to what we share. Even though we now live in different cities, we still think of the same things at the same time and complete each others sentences.

Though Jo is my oldest and dearest friend, he is by no means alone. Some of my other friends and I have been together for 23 years, 20 years, 15 years… and it gets progressive. At each stage of my life, every where I went (school, college, post-grad, AIESEC) I have had the good fortune to find very good friends. The most recent being 6 months ago.

What is interesting is that having made all these friends at different ages, means that the kind of relationship I share with each of them is also very different. I remember discussing this with a relatively newer friend.

With older friends, things are somewhat easy. They know you inside out and have been around when everything happened in your life. But then that also means taking each other for granted and becoming insecure and intolerant about any changes. Also in a lot of cases you tend to drift apart and lose touch with each other.

Newer friends accept you for what you are. There aren’t too many inflated expectations there. It is a very accommodating set of circumstances. But how do you open your heart out completely to them also?

The dynamics are also different. Time spent with older friends is full of reminiscence, of tracking plans, of updating ideologies. With the newer bunch it is all about discovery, having new thoughts, and sharing new experiences.

Then there is an entirely different concept of friends. Those who you may never meet, or may meet very infrequently, but who you will communicate with as a regular part of your life. Here the absence of communication actually leaves a void in your day. Whether it’s chatting with a stranger, or reading and commenting on each other’s blogs.

It’s not by accident that I consider friends a very crucial part of my pentagram. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am very grateful for the wonderful people in my life who I have the good fortune of calling friends. All of you reading this know who you are; so, thank you!

Ad hoc Cooking

2005-04-18T15:04:00.000+05:30

For the first time, last night, I found myself cooking without the help of a recipe book. Good grief what was I going to do? I had been given an hours notice to cook dinner for 6 people. One person who I wanted to make sure would recognize my culinary skills and 2 of them being my biggest critics.

There was no time to go shopping for anything except the most rudimentary ingredients. There was no scope to prepare the perfect menu. From my point of view, nothing can be done without meticulously planning it down to the last grain of salt.

Thankfully my grandmother had sent over some mushroom crepes in white sauce. There was enough for everybody and it was delicious to boot. The first thing I needed to come up with was a fresh salad.

I sautéed some garlic and onions in olive oil, with only salt, pepper and loads of powdered nutmeg. Then I tossed in shredded red cabbage, bean sprouts and spring onions. I switched of the flame and let it cook in its own heat. The trick worked, the vegetables stayed nice and crispy. The aroma from the nutmeg was perfect, there, but not over bearing.

I still needed another something for the main course. Crepes weren’t going to be enough. Any conventional pasta would have been overkill. The solution lay in the unconventional.

I pulled out my wheat spaghetti and boiled them. On the second burner I heated a combination of extra virgin olive oil and Italian dipping oil. In came some more (or should I say a huge amount) of garlic. When this was ready to fry, I added in fresh mushrooms, green olives, cherry tomatoes and baby corn. On this I sprinkled loads of paprika (the pizza chilly kind) and Italian seasoning. As the vegetables started releasing water, I took it of the flame and mixed it in with the pasta. Now all it needed was some salt and to be tossed so that the oil coated the pasta.

We were in business, dinner was served and I helped everyone take a little of everything. Then as they started digging in, I followed the expressions around me with more trepidation than I showed.

At the end of 20 minutes, except for 2 spoons of pasta and 4 spoons of salad, there was nothing left. And 5 people got of the table saying that the food was fantastic. If I were to wager a guess, I think I would say I had succeeded in putting together a good ad hoc meal.

Few people would find something to be excited about in such a simple experience. Fewer still would think it was worth writing about. But I beg to differ.

Till last night I had never cooked anything without a recipe to follow or guidance from my mother. Nor had I ever made a meal in such a short time. It looks like I am finally getting a feel of how foods react when they are cooked and how to take advantage of this.

I don’t want to be just a good cook. I want to match if not surpass the standards of my mother and her mother. They are without doubt the world’s best meal creators I have ever encountered. The day I exist in the same league as them, that day I know I will be able to call myself a good cook.

Bon Appétit!

I don’t cook, do laundry or put up with cheeky bastards!!!

2005-04-13T18:49:00.000+05:30

What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet? (I hope I got it right, I wouldn’t want ol’ WS to be squirming in his grave.) Maybe there is something to this old cliché, but if you ask me what is in a nick name, I’ll tell – there is a lot. At least for someone like me who believes that expression is what makes life interesting.

I use MSN messenger and prefer it over other similar IM services because it gives me the freedom to use a nick name of my choice. In the last 4 years of being on MSN I must have changed my nick over a hundred times, sometimes as often as 5 times a day.

It has got to the extent that friends have told me that they log on once in a while just to check what new name I am using. Last night something dad and I were talking about had him suggesting that I write a blog about the different names I have used and why. Why not? Considering I have so many people asking me the relevance of my various nick names.

‘I don’t cook, do laundry or put up with cheeky bastards…’ was one of my absolute favorite names. The line is from Mission Impossible 2, made by Nyah to Ethan when he first approaches her to join his team. I think the punch in the statement is perfect and really serves to describe the person I am (although I have been known to cook up a fine meal when I choose to).

Another one I loved using was ‘Hotlips…’ M.A.S.H. 4077 fans the world over would know what I am talking about. Not that I would like to be like Margret Hulahan, but the name is irresistible. You can just imagine the kind of comments I got from people on my list reading that nick.

When in doubt, I choose ‘Joli’ or ‘Kags’ over all else. These are the only real nick names I have been given in real life, and I love them both. Simple, short and sweet! But my attitude often runs ahead of me and I have to change. I consider these two my constants and use them as fillers so to speak.

By now it must be obvious that music is huge influence in my life. Using titles of some my favorite songs has been an obvious habit. This depended on the mood I was on at the time. Some of these include ‘Liberian Girl’, ‘Caribbean Queen’, ‘Girl from Ipanema’, ‘Black is Black’, ‘Musaafir hun yaaro’ and so many more that I can’t remember.

I am a person of many moods and they are as volatile as they can get. Situations, conversations and fantasies coupled with these, bring forth my creative best in finding the words to describe how I am feeling.

Once when I wasn’t sure of what I was doing with my life and the paths I had chosen, the words that spoke my mind were ‘Kya maine socha aur kya hua, kya dil ne chaha aur kya mila’. Another time, and there have been many of these, I have been looking for inspiration, I found these words to be the most appropriate ‘If you had one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted; in one moment, would you capture it or let it slip?’ Thank you Eminem for articulating it so well.

There is nothing more sensual then dance, and when that is how I feel it is best expressed in the line from the song Sway ‘Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore’. Secret fantasies showed themselves in ‘Two drifters off to see the world’ from Moon River and the phrase ‘Peaches & Cream’.

Now I am not always full of intense emotions. Most of the time I am a very mischievous and cheeky person. That’s when my names get influenced by characters like Calvin ‘My brain always rejects attitude transplants.’ Or stuff dad makes me read (like today) ‘Candy is dandy but Liquor is Quicker’ by Ogden Nash.

But coming to my most oft used nickname which I am sure must have lead to much curiosity – ‘Inmyeye’. Break it up, there are three words there ‘in’ ‘my’ ‘eye’. That is directly related to my actual name which is Kaajal (a distorted version of kajal; Sal at DSS had it on the first shot) and where would one apply kajal? You get the picture…

Now I wonder what I am going to call myself tomorrow. Any suggestions?

My body maybe in school but my mind is on vacation

2005-04-12T18:38:00.000+05:30

Substitute the word school with office and there you have it, my current state of affairs. Sit back, relax and share with me my account of my imaginary holiday.

I have just woken up to little bits of sunlight creeping through the curtains. A smile plays on my lips when I remember where I am. Goa; in the summer, there is no better place to be.

Sauntering out of bed, I take my coffee and stand in the little verandah. The gardens are lush green, the dirt a wicked red. I can smell the salt of the ocean while I watch the palms swaying in the breeze. The only sounds are of the distant waves.

The morning is perfect for a long walk on the beach, so off I go. The sand is warm between my bare toes. The wind is making my sarong flap around my ankles. The sun is already getting strong, but then that’s Goa. I see some fellow vacationers have had the same idea as me.

Sometime later I decide to turn and walk back. I can’t afford to tan on only one side, now can I? This time I choose to walk in the water. Looks can be so deceptive, because the ocean is actually cool. I think I will stop for a bit and dig my toes in the cold sand. Or even sit and feel the water wash over me. In fact I think I will go out for a swim as well.

I let my mind wander. Wondering about life, thinking people, remembering moments, seeking answers to questions and making plans all to the steady rhythm of the waves. God it is so peaceful here.

All this physical and mental exercising has built up a healthy appetite. I am looking forward to breakfast (these hotels really turn out a spread). There are eggs, bacon, cold meats, assorted breads and loads of fresh fruit. I am not even thinking about the Indian foods, not that they are any less appetizing. I tuck in with relish.

Back at the hotel pool and a second layer of sunscreen later, I settle down to soak in the sun. My favorite traveling companion is a good book. Whether it is Exodus by Leon Uris or Lord of the Rings by J R R Tolkein, it has to be something gripping.

My skin is now getting a little to hot, so I decide to take a plunge into the pool. Nice cold water and at the other end of the pool is a bar, with an even nicer and colder bottle of beer waiting for me. I spend the next few hours alternating between the sun and my book and the lolling in the pool with cold beers.

When the heat becomes unbearable, I decide to go for late lunch. Funny as it may seem I am hungry and doing nothing hasn’t made my pangs any less. I decide on a prawn curry and rice and some nice chicken tikkas. Yum, they go really well with my still continuing supply of cold beer.

The afternoon is meant for rest (I have had such a hectic, tiring day you see, what with all the arm movements getting the beer in my mouth and all that). I nap for a bit, visit the loo some one million times (remember the beer) and then decide to venture out again.

This time I opt for luxury over nature. I book myself for a nice massage and then some jacuzzi time. Now this is what I call a vacation. The strong hands of the masseuse work out all the kinks, my body feels so loose that it hurts. The answer to this is in the hot water. A shower and I am all set for the evening.

I walk around the markets on the beaches and along the road. Bargaining for all sorts of junk, most of which I would never have bought if I had been anywhere else. But at the moment I must have them and have them I will.

As night falls, I change for the evening and head to the poolside. There is a live band playing music that I grew up with and learnt to appreciate from my dad. I opt for some wine and find that chatting with strangers can be fun. There are people from many places in India and abroad. We enjoy sharing our experiences and stories.

A few glasses of wine and it’s time for dinner (this time I blame it on the massage and the walking). My choice today is grilled pork chops and vegetables. Dessert is a fat slice of strawberry cheesecake and all that is nicely rounded up with some liquor and coffee.

I decide to take my time going back to my room. I can’t resist a chance to walk the beach by moonlight. Soon I am back in my air conditioned room, snuggling back in bed. A few pages of my book and my eyes start drooping. Sleep comes easy; my last thought before I am off, is accompanied with a smile, what a day!

The frugelbinder!

2005-04-09T19:11:00.000+05:30

Take a close look at your sneakers. See the plastic tube that goes around the end of the shoe lace? That’s a frugelbinder! What about the little umbrellas that accompany your daiquiri? That’s a frugelbinder!

Well all right maybe the umbrella is called a ‘cocktail umbrella’ and the plastic tube is called just that or some equally eloquent name. But that doesn’t stop them from being this wonderful thing called a frugelbinder.

You must be wondering what the heck it is I am going on about. Ask Tom Cruise in Cocktail, as he sits with Elizabeth Shue at an open air restaurant in the Bahamas. If any of you remember this scene from the movie, then you know what I am talking about.

For the rest of you – he is referring to the ultimate business idea. A product or service that is crucial in its own spectrum, but so small in the bigger picture, that most people will dismiss it. But for the reckless ‘mars or bust’ kind of people, it’s their ticket to fame and fortune.

Such an inspiration that movie was, that the word frugelbinder has imbedded itself in my head. I knew I had to find my own frugelbinder. I couldn’t wait to grow up, finish college, do my MBA (as everyone in my generation has done) and conquer the world with my own little miracle. I was quite sure that I would know what it is and before you knew it, I would be making millions and driving a Ferrari.

So many friends have shared similar aspirations with me. Some of them even went as far as suggesting new products, businesses, ideas. Our minds could work out all the nuances of each one and nothing ever posed a problem.

We were all going to do it… Then the only problems we would face, is whose pool to swim in.

Flashback over and I am sitting here writing this blog. I grew up (my folks may not agree, but I assure you I have). I did college (no doubt there). I didn’t do an MBA, but I did find a course that was even more apt for me. But, I still haven’t found my magic formula.

Have I given up the search? I would have to out of mind to do that. No Siree, I am still hunting. Today I am seeing an infant version of my ultimate goal; let’s call it ‘fru’. This I know, one of these days I will walk smack bang into my ideal. Then the world will be mine.

“Get rich or die trying” is what one of my t-shirts’ proclaims. That’s it, in a nut shell. What is the point of being educated, well read, exposed to a world of opportunities, if you cannot take each chance you get to do all you ever wanted?

What about you? What did you want, how far are you from getting it? More importantly, have you given up or are you still willing to take the chance? Most of the world’s best business people got where they did by sheer courage. If you don’t have the guts to try, you can’t get anywhere.

There must be something we can all do nearly everyday to take us closer to our goals, even if it is a small thing. Hey even plastic tubes are small things. Ask the guy who invented the glue that is world famous now because 3M used and packaged it to the hilt.

Come Monday morning, there must be something I can do to go one step ahead and so can you. Think about it! Till then happy weekend!

A toast to Cocktails and Dreams…

Pink hearts and Popcorn

2005-04-08T14:31:00.000+05:30

The theater was dark, the movie romantic. The couple sat holding hands, sharing popcorn from one bucket. You could almost see the hearts swirling around their heads. New love is such a sweet sight; albeit a little too much for the veterans (I’ll come back to that).

Do you remember what it was like to fall in love? Every song reminded you of your crush, the words always fitting some moment, or characteristic, or even a fantasy.

The male starts dressing with care, grooming; always keen to take the girl to her best places, buy her cotton candy (substitute with ice cream, diet coke, chowpatty bhel, or whatever it is that takes her fancy).

The woman on the other hand, reverts to her more feminine side. Her eyes always turned a little down; coy. A faint blush becomes a permanent feature, that is till ‘he’ says, does something, after which the color is more akin to a deep scarlet

Now see that same couple a few years later… They are still in love, but where are the flowers and blushes gone?

Love matures into something that is deeper than one can expect. Romance gives way to affection. “I can’t live without you” becomes “I want to share this with you”. And there you have it – they are now an actual couple.

This is where the next evolution starts. All told, things are still fairly new and that means there is novelty in it. But as we approach the third stage in this relationship, things really get interesting.

The love is still there! It’s still everything that it was at level two, but now there are new dimensions being added nearly every day, until it settles down. Security and understanding are the biggest additions. Sharing silences becomes as important as discussing each other’s days. Making decisions together adds responsibility and expectations set in. The crisp trousers and flowery dresses are replaced with shorts and faded t-shirts. The couple is now comfortable with themselves.

Does this mean the end of all the little things that brought them together in the first place and the kept them together?

I don’t think so! Everything learnt over the various stages still holds. I also believe that the pink hearts and popcorn become metaphors for consideration and nurturing, for stability and growth, and for sheer joy in togetherness.

From this stage, looking back at the couple in movie, you now say how sweet; until the 363rd time you are stuck waiting in line behind a ‘sweet new couple’. That’s when you look at each other, roll your eyes and shake your heads. And the senior guy says to the other one, “look young man, keep the line moving, I want to get some popcorn for wife.”

Look at the wife, see the smile, “aaw honey, that's so sweet”, you can almost see her eyes take on what looks suspiciously like a pink heart look. The older couple walks away hand in hand… Time for the younger ones to shake their heads…

Hail Chief and all ye other bloggers on this wondrous scene.

2005-04-07T15:35:00.000+05:30

(What you are about to read is my introductory blog at Dud Sea Scrawls. It’s an interesting group of people with some serious eclectic writings.)

After a considerable amount of coaxing and coercing from dad, I finally donned my faithful thinking cap and dove head first into these murky waters.

Guess what I found underneath… Atlantis… Well, not really! What I did find was a bunch of people (alleged lunatics) who write some of the most amazing prose and poetry I have ever read.

Suitably encouraged and inspired, I tried my own hand at this writing business and found that that I am enjoying it immensely. So of course my blog grows daily. This is where I exist!

Since the first step, I have been receiving some really nice comments and it makes me want to write even more. I have a few people to thank for the lovely things they said.

Beach Bum – for pushing me into this in the first place and asking DSS to include me. Also for the many points of view that you bring to my life, whether as comments or as part of conversations.

Bilbo – I am glad you enjoyed it, I hope I can write more visualizations… They really are so much fun. BTW read your ‘cherry blossom viewing’ experience. I loved the mental picture of the child following the bubbles.

Anonymous – Thank you, it would really be wonderful to be able to inspire others to write. It is one of the most rewarding experiences. Tell me one thing? Are you and ‘anonymous guy’ the same, or is this actually an anonymous comment.

Chay – You have read all my blogs and commented on each one of them at Sulekha. Thank you so much. Now I am here as well. I hope I can keep writing and read your comments. I look forward to them everyday.

AND

Buckwaasur / Chief – I liked your point that vertices added will take me to a full circle. Reminds me of a phrase coined by a few friends ‘a circular circle’. It has a lot of potential. Thank you so much for the invitation to join all of you on DSS.

I see good times ahead…

At a loss for words? Let music fill your mortal souls…

2005-04-07T07:00:00.000+05:30

Since the day I wrote my first little blog here, I told myself that I would write something everyday. Today I find myself at a complete loss.

I actually found that my sense of observation had taken a quantum leap. I keep filing away little things I see and hear thinking that they would make good material to write about. But I think someone reformatted my mental filing system… I can’t think of anything at the moment.

I looked for a muse today and found it in the guise of a friend. He suggested I write about music (since that is one my life’s biggest passions). This reminded me of a game my dad used to play with me when I was young. We would be listening to some music and every now and then he would ask me to articulate a visual setting for that particular piece.

Now my music track list is on random mode and let me see where this goes…

Girl you’re my angel, you’re my darling angel… A bar on a beach, men in trunks, woman in bikinis, there is a party going on. The sun is setting and bon fires have been lit. String lights dance with the breeze of the ocean. A couple is dancing like so many others around them. The guy asks the DJ to play a special song for him… This he dedicates to his lady, to tell her what she means to him.

How lucky can one guy be, I kissed her and she kissed me. Like the fellow once said, ain’t that a kick in the head… Tom (of Tom & Jerry fame) is standing on stage dressed in a pin stripe suit, his hair patted down. The lovely Ms. Cat, all white and clean, with her pink bow around her neck, bats her eyelids at him as he serenades her.

Exodus… movement of the people… A gathering of Rastafarians, and other like minded people. They are on a peaceful protest, the kind that has turned into a gathering. The air is ripe with the smell of cannabis. Every where you look there is a riot of colors, be it the clothes they wear, or the vehicles they drive.

People killin’, people dying, children hurt, you can hear them crying… Teenagers of a new world, sitting in the school yard practicing for a singing competition. They are of different nationalities, of different colors and yet the song they sing is what brings them together. They are determined to sing their souls and make this collaborative effort a winner.

This one has no words… it is just a quartet playing the tune that is all too familiar. Everyone is in the mood, watching the band play, swaying to the beat. Smoke fills the air, the scotch goes down smooth, not a single person can stop their feet tapping. And the saxophone sounds… play on… It’s “take 5”.

Georgia! Georgia, the whole day… It’s a darkly lit restaurant with candles at each table. Luxurious, expensive, but under stated. The finest wines are being drunk and the cigars give off a rich aroma. The patrons are dressed in their best suits and prettiest silk dresses. Some are dancing close; some are at their tables lost in each other. There are the few who sit at the bar hearing the great blues, watching the lovers in love. Everyone travels to their own world within their minds.

Speaking of traveling to people and their worlds, isn’t it amazing what a gamut of visions our minds are capable of. I can bet each of these songs would bring a different picture to every one who was to hear them.

So much for not knowing what to write! If my muse was not in a hurry to read this rendition, I would have carried on meandering till kingdom come.

Maybe some other time, when the visions are even clearer…

Pentagram Priorities!

2005-04-06T02:20:00.000+05:30

Pentagram: A five pointed star with five straight strokes, easiest made by drawing a pentagon and joining the inside angles with lines.

There is great balance and mathematical perfection to be found in pentagrams. Of course there is a lot of legend attached to this figure from ancient Christianity to Satan and everything in between.

For me, my life is like a pentagram. Five different and equally strong priorities, that are all independent and yet are connected to each other; albeit in some cases the connections aren’t direct, the lines have to intersect and take a few twists and turns. Eventually they all add up.

In no particular order, these priorities for me are work, family, spouse, friends and health. If there is a balance between all these, then there is harmony. The day one of them starts pulling a heavier load, demanding more attention, that day the equilibrium gets distorted and the star loses shape.

Maintaining this balance is the most challenging feat anyone could ever achieve. There are so many hidden elements to take care of. Each tip of this mystical five sided figure is an existence on its own. By giving it a label, you don’t stop it from being made up of millions of little aspects. And of course like a child each one of these aspects demands attention.

Can anyone tell which one is more important than another? I don’t think so. At a stretch ‘health’ is the only one who can claim that title, but it’s not a convincing argument. That doesn’t stop all of them from wanting to be ‘numero uno’. Short of cloning oneself and designating a priority per clone, I don’t see this being feasible.

How do you tell one of your priorities, that they are threatening the whole unit? Face it! You can’t! You just have to tug them all back into place bit by bit. And when all else fails, take a hard stand, put your foot down, use all the other clichés in the world and crawl under your blanket for some healthy introspection.

At the end of the day you need to decide what defines your ‘sense of self’. And No, this doesn’t mean you have to know what you want always. It just means what it says! Then step back, take a deep breath and start all over again.

Easier said than done, you say? Maybe… Maybe not…

Of hot breezes and cold watermelons…

2005-04-05T06:40:00.000+05:30

The temperature is soaring. A blinding sun beating down mercilessly. There is a hot oppressive breeze bringing with it loose dust particles. You can almost see the shadows of vultures circling.

Your skin feels like it is roasting. Your senses dulled from the lack of energy; all of it sapped by the ferocious heat. I know now what a turkey feels like at thanksgiving.

But there is no one here to give thanks. Everyone is resigned to the fact that this is just the beginning. Summer hasn’t really set in yet. Already the day times see people scurrying indoors. No one wants to be out in this heat. The only sounds in the afternoon are of distant vehicles carrying those hapless few.

Animals and men alike scout for shade in this barren town. Did it have to be this way? What were people thinking when they cut down old full grown trees. Did it matter if the roads were a few feet narrower? Who makes these decisions anyway? I’ll bet you it has to be someone who spends his time in the comfort of an air conditioned environment. He doesn’t have to wait for the confounded traffic light to turn green so he doesn’t have to stand under the sun.

The apathy of the powers that be continues to astound me.

I am grateful that I have the good fortune to spend my days in a basement office. It is always a few degrees cooler here. And when I look out there are a few trees I can see that escaped the notice of the official woodcutters. I wonder how long I will be so lucky.

Here’s the flip side:

It’s that time of the year, when mangoes come into season. Cool fruit juices perk up your senses. Water tastes so good. If you are feeling indulgent a citrus ice cream is a perfect snack in the quiet afternoon as is a juicy frozen watermelon.

It is a time for picnics and swimming. For lazy afternoons spent under a fan. For cool cottons and even cooler shades. For beaches and hammocks and summer vacations.

When we were younger this also meant the end of the school year. Days spent faffing with friends, watching movies, waking up late, sleeping even later. Reading countless books and comics and doing all those things which are either restricted or severely curtailed during the rest of the year.

Summer! It’s here to stay.

Shall we dance?

2005-04-03T07:40:00.000+05:30

Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore, hold me close, sway me more… Each time I hear this song, in my mind’s eye I can just see myself dancing with total abandon. It gives me such a nice glow that shows from within. All I need to do is shut my eyes and I can feel the softness of a silk dress against my skin; see the sparkle of the diamonds in my ears; smell the fresh scent of a mellow perfume; feel the warm hand of my partner on the small of my back and I let the music take control… “Shall we dance?”

As the music fades and reality sets in, I find I am still sitting at my desk, in my jeans and cheeky t-shirt. Can you blame me for laughing?

Shut your eyes and it is so easy to see the world in the manner you want it to be. Open them and you will become aware of the contrasts that exist. Those contrasts will tell you how to get from where you are to where you want to be. Don’t get me wrong, I never said it was easy. But knowing it is a start in the right direction.

A lot of my best fantasies are influenced by movies I see, music I hear, books I read, and experiences I share with dear friends. The best part about the latter is that they are the ones who tell you that you can do it, and sometimes even show you the way.

I recollect so many conversations with some of these friends of mine, most of which would seem like nothing to the average listener. But when I think about them, they bring the same laughter that my fictitious dancing brought and an awareness of the truth that they hold within.

Let me introduce you to another of my favorites… The sun is setting on ‘an island in the Caribbean’. I fold up my laptop signaling the end of the working day, and I walk to my private beach. After a refreshing swim in the ocean I sit on the beach happily, enjoying a cool breeze, contemplating life and how it got me here.

The sun has set, the stars are shining and the moon casts its silver glow; look who it is… my dancing partner with some white wine in his hands… This promises to be another lovely evening…

On this note, I leave you to get on with your day… while I slip back to things that await.

Ta ta…

April Fool? Or should it be April Smart

2005-04-02T03:40:00.000+05:30

I woke up in the middle of the night today... or at least it felt that way. My watch claimed it was 7.45 am. Liar! But there was the sun, shining bright, and all the sounds that signal the start of a new day. I am sure there were some birds singing somewhere, but the noise was camouflaged with my usual wake up call of the sound of buses honking. I am so used to it now, that when I smell fresh earth instead of dust and carbon monoxide, I get a sinus attack.

Any ways, I jumped out of bed and went for a walk. Most people will tell you that me jumping out of bed is a rare sight, leave alone voluntarily choosing to perform any sort of physical exercise. While walking with my friend, we were discussing the merits of starting a fitness regime and knocking off a few of the millions of extra pounds we have all been saving up all these years. I made a few suggestions as to what we could do and what our goal should be.

I paused to take a breath and noticed this silence next to me… I really thought my friend had walked away, but no she was right there, stunned into silence. She couldn’t believe this brisk walking, fitness talking woman was her friend of 15 years.

And then it happened, she burst out laughing! My turn to be shocked. Had I overloaded her circuitry, or had her own inherent madness finally caught up with her? Turns out it was neither! She just happened to remember the date. April 1st! She actually thought I was pulling a fast one on her. How impertinent…

I decided there and then not to talk to her about any of my honest and good intentions any more. Instead I would be my petulant best and talk to her tomorrow if she promises to leave her explosions of mirth at home.

It’s the afternoon now and I am eating a salad and vegetables, instead of a pizza I would much rather have. I am still sulking but now that I think about it, I deserved her amusement. In fact I am now quite amused at myself.

What a day for me to have an attitude transplant (in the words of the adorable Calvin). Now if my brains don’t reject it as his do, then guess who will be having the last laugh.

Guardians of the Past

2005-04-01T04:05:00.000+05:30

How can I call this my blog without adding one of my poetic attempts to the repertoire? Here is the latest musing… and me thinks, my best work yet…

Guardians of the past
It is time now for me to leave you
The past must remain but a happy memory

I shall leave a part of me behind
So that all is not forgotten
But I can not look back

As the sculptor wields his chisel
I too must carve the next path
The passage of time will rewrite my destiny

I am not happy to do this, but do it I must
I am not sad to do this, for do it I must.
My strength comes from memories, that are mine alone

I leave with you some of my emotions and dreams
They were never meant to be
I take with me a clean slate and hope

In the unknown and the darkness
I will find wisdom and light
They will be my guides

As I start my journey
The heaviness fades with me
Faith waits to rebuild me

The gates of a new realm are open
The mist of time awaits me
It is time...

Me & Blogs

2005-04-01T00:25:00.001+05:30

Here’s the deal! Dad has been trying to get me to start writing for a long time now. Then comes this friend who decides to push me down the same street. I ask you! What is it that I am supposed to write? Where do I find something interesting to talk about every single day? Oh this is all seeming so difficult.

A few months ago, when dad first mentioned it, I had just finished reading a series of books. They are simply wonderful and so I decided to write my first blog about them. Here is what I came up with.

“You are the key!

This is a tribute to an author who I have recently discovered. Nora Roberts - the lady who wrote the ‘Key Trilogy’. In the last 6 months this is the second time I am reading the whole series, something I have never done, and I am enjoying it even more than I did the first time.

The series has been described as ‘paranormal romances’. And this is exactly what they are. They have all the ingredients of a delightful romance, woven with the threads of the utterly fantastic. I am a big fan of the extraordinary and, being a woman, partial to a good love story. When this is all put together in a book designed to amuse with its sense of humor, and to pull you in with its graphic descriptions, you know you have a winner.

Then there are the characters; Malory, Dana and Zoe... a triad of beautiful, intelligent and vulnerable women, all in their own right. Flynn, Jordan and Brad; men we women can only dream of. They all have their shortcomings, making them human, people I can identify with…”

And this is where the writing ended. Then in the month of February I went to Delhi to attend an awards ceremony where a dear friend was being given an award for his work with animals. I was so inspired by the presentations and talks given that I promptly came home and started writing. Finally I had found something that would start of my great blog.

This is what I wrote…

“Today a friend of mine was given an award for his work with animals. This was a national award given to people who have made a difference to animal welfare over the last one year. It was given to him by the hands of a former Prime Minister of my country. The jury members were prominent people from different fields with a one common element – they all believe in the same cause. My friend is all off 29 years old.

What makes a person give up a lucrative career, prospective millions and all the shing ding that goes with it? Commitment, strong beliefs and a lot of courage. I am really proud of this friend of mine; for more reasons than one. To begin with he got the recognition that was due to him. Then of course there is the point that he has done something that me and so many others I know just talk about… but never do anything about. And most important of all his work is making a difference.

I came to witness the awards as a proud friend. I was sitting through the evening’s proceedings listening to prominent animal and environmental activists talking about current scenarios in my country. I always knew that we were abusing our environment – not just animals, but everything. I never realized that we were being so criminal. Camels having their throats slashed and left to bleed to death on a festival to prove the affluence of families; monkeys being uprooted from their natural habitat to feed ‘hungry’ panthers; animals being killed in zoos because the authorities don’t know the proper methods of tranquilizing them. Good God! Someone remind me who is the animal here and who is the ‘civilized’ species!”

Now it is the end of March and I am starting this up all over again. All inspiration, encouragement, feedback, etc are welcome…

Ok here goes!

2005-03-30T02:52:00.000+05:30

On this day, the 29th day of the month of March in the year 2005, here I am in my attempt to put my meandering thoughts on this page for the world to see. I must be out of my mind to imagine that this is going to work. Lets see...